Father Knows Best. Sometimes.

The ultimate father image.

The role of father of the bride has taken many forms through history, evolving from  a dictator who was solely interested in the financial ramifications of the union (dowries etc.) and whether it represented a hike up the social ladder (what happens if an Irish Catholic tries to marry into a Boston Brahmin family, for instance?).  In the bygone days when royal weddings really meant something, they weren’t lovely affairs like that of Kate and Wills, but were tools to unite kingdoms, start wars and otherwise send shock waves through the socio-political world order.  (What’s love got to do with it?  Nothing.)

Then we progressed (?) into an age represented by Spencer Tracy’s character in Father of the Bride (not the Steve Martin re-make): the rock solid source of sage advice to keep the ladies from veering off into insanity.  (Of course if Elizabeth Taylor is your daughter you’ve got a whole raft of trouble coming your way in the wedding department.)  Oh yes, and the financial arrangements were still the paternal responsibility, writing checks to everyone in sight.

So what’s the dad’s place today, as we celebrate Father’s Day?  As with other fractured cultural stereotypes I’ve seen this take many forms, from the “show up and shut up” role to a maniacal obsession with each detail down to the choice of the bride’s necklace (“Granny would be heart-broken it you don’t wear it!”) or whether the venue’s emergency exit lights are properly illuminated (I’m not making that one up.)  I’ve witnessed every approach from complete invisibility until moments before marching his girl down the aisle to micro-managing the entire event as if it were the D-Day invasion.

The trouble is, your father is who he is (for better or worse).  It’s not as though you’re going to change his personality or standard operating procedure just in time for your wedding.  So my advice (unsolicited as always) is to figure out what roles suit him best (probably not singing) and aim his energy (or lack thereof) in that direction.  If he’s a laid back guy who just wants to make you happy, thank your lucky stars, give him the schedule, and let him be the genial host.  But if he’s the type who likes to control everything and everyone around him, it’s best to define specific roles for him and keep his nose out of the areas where it doesn’t belong (you should choose which necklace you’re going to wear).  It’s rare, but I’ve seen fathers who have run the entire show, and the results haven’t been pretty.  People who are used to having their way on everything have trouble remembering that nothing has ever been perfect, and your wedding won’t be either.

If you’re happy, he should be too.

When a bride arrives to talk to me about wedding photography accompanied only by her father, one of two possibilities is almost certain.  Most often this means dad is an advanced amateur photographer (knowing just enough to be dangerous) or (God help me) a professional who wants to grill me with a series of technical questions about cameras, lenses, software, megapixels, file formats, and high dynamic range images.  (Bored yet?  Yeah, me too.)

But the dads who set off the loudest alarm bells are the control freaks who will be making all the decisions about the wedding.  One father introduced himself by saying “I’m O.C.D.”, which to him meant he had a license to be a jerk.  And indeed he was, pissing off everyone from the caterer to the musicians to the venue manager.

But that’s an extreme case, and again very rare.  More often fathers provide a calming influence, telling their daughters (and wives) that everyone looks lovely and the wedding will be a smashing success.  As much as they genuinely care that everyone ends up happy, they know the day is really not about them.   It’s about the women they love, and nothing in the world is more important.   Even uniting with another kingdom.

Enough about those dads.  How about yours?

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“Never Do Anything For The First Time.”

That quote may or may not be historically accurate, but according to legend it was uttered by a Supreme Court justice giving advice on how the American legal system works.  Obviously this can’t be taken seriously since nothing new would happen, ever.  We would never have gone to the moon, the Ipod wouldn’t be connected to everyone’s ears, and Lady Gaga would exist only in our imaginations.   But you might want to keep it in mind when you are thinking about your wedding plans.  We’re assuming that you have already ignored the justice’s wisdom and made the huge decision to join your life to someone else’s for keeps, so now it’s on to the other big items on the list.  First and foremost is clearly the dress, an intensely personal decision that can be made on instant impulse or after months of agonized comparison shopping.  But aside from the dress, in my experience there’s one thing a bride thinks about more than anything, especially on the day of the wedding.

Champagne and curlers: the ultimate in bridal fashion.

Hair.  It rarely cooperates, does it? No matter how much time you spend trying to wrangle it, it always seems to end up doing whatever it wants, photos and special events be damned.  In this culture, only your weight gets more critical attention than your hairstyle in the constant hail storm of advertising and unsolicited self-help chatter.  But as you look at all those magazines and on line photos of brides wearing their hair “just so,” keep your wits about you.  Every time you see a new hairstyle and wonder how it would look on you, remember those are professional models with a phalanx of stylists working on them, and none of them attended a rehearsal dinner the night before where their future mother-in-law raised holy hell about some part of the wedding that was being done all wrong.  Not one of those ladies in the photos is hung over, or stayed up all night making personal place cards.  And the photographers are very skilled at flattering lighting and angles, as well as the corrective enhancements of post-production software.  There’s no rain or blazing sun in that studio, and the only wind is from the gentle fans placed strategically to make the model’s locks look utterly fabulous.

A great style if you’re getting married in a zero-gravity chamber.

Of course, there are ways to deal with this seemingly impossible challenge: professional help, intense amounts of product, industrial-strength devices. And sometimes the best solution can be drastic action: a fabulous Victoria Beckham bob or even a total color change. Changing up the situation atop your brain can be a great way to re-set a bad year or just gain a pile of confidence, but consider that it may not be in your best interests to make serious changes right before what will probably be the most photographed day of your life.  It’s likely the only time when you will invite a near stranger into your parents’ house or your hotel room to spend hours making you look like someone else.  Remember they work for you, and you’re the one who should make the decisions on how you want to look.  And keep in mind that your future spouse fell in love with you the way you are, hairstyle and all, and may not be bowled over when you walk down the aisle with a completely different look.

Of course, it’s your head, your hair, your life, and your wedding.  One bride kept repeating “I’m a real blonde!” to me when the evidence to the contrary was right there in her mirror.  She had medium brown hair, and there’s no filter to make someone’s locks a different color in the photos after the fact.  So if you want to look like a blonde, be blonde. Ditto for brunette, Emma Stone’s pre-“Spiderman” red locks, Nicki Minaj cotton-candy pink – whatever. But make sure it’s what you really want, because even Photoshop has limits.  You’d be better off saving the trouble and just wearing a wig instead — as long as it’s not too windy.

It works for her. I wonder what the grandchildren will think.

So how about it?  Did you make a radical hairstyle change, or stick with your standard?  Any hair-raising (sorry) stories?

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“By The Power Vested In… Who?”

Ready, willing, and able to perform the duties required.

My goal in writing this blog is to entertain you at the same time as I’m giving you helpful advice to get you through your wedding planning process with the least amount of stress and elevated blood pressure.  In other words, I’m almost always telling you to calm down, take a deep breath, and enjoy the journey.  Almost.

I’m sure you can come up with countless nightmare wedding scenarios if you let your imagination run wild, but almost (there’s that word again) all of them can be dealt with by reminding yourself of one fact: by the end of the day you’ll be married to the most wonderful person in the world, and everyone will have had an outrageously good time.  The limo breaks down?  Other people can drive you there.  The flowers get delivered to the same address in the wrong town?  People have gotten flowers on very short notice before.  You spill something on your dress an hour before you’re supposed to go to the church?  That’s what Miracle Moms are for.  And the weather?  It is, as the philosopher said, what it is.

But there is one item you actually can’t do without on your wedding day.  No, it’s not the rings, the food, or the musical accompaniment.  It’s the person who has to perform the legally sanctioned duties of the officiant.  Without that individual the whole day becomes a very enjoyable, but not legally binding, show.

Obviously, it’s impossible that Father Mike or Rabbi Bernie or Yogi Julia or whomever you may have chosen to preside over your nuptials is going to back out. Almost (grrr) always when people say they’ll be there for something like a wedding, they’ll be there. But things happen.  People make mistakes on their calendars, family emergencies occur, streets get flooded, and cars break down.  (Again, I’m sorry to add to your list of worries rather than reducing it, but I’ll offer solutions too!)  Sadly, once in a while you’re standing there with nobody to actually marry you (in the transitive sense, for you other grammar nerds). Though your officiant may have a hard-and-fast contract signed with you and a rock-solid religious affiliation, sometimes God (or whatever you believe in) has other plans.  This is when it might be wise to put a little faith in the great institution of the American government and come up with a contingency plan in advance.

Yes, we’re serious. Many representatives or other local officials have the power to marry couples legally as far as the state is concerned. Obviously, this depends on the particular state and its corresponding marriage laws, but we assume you’ve done your research on those by now.  It’s often a perfectly acceptable way to get the job done.  And after all, it’s not like your local rep has anything more exciting to do — your wedding probably beats appraising budget proposals or revising parking regulations or whatever it is people do at those uncomfortable-looking desks. Just promise him or her some free food, and you’ll be good to go.

This guy can do it all.

Remember those old movies when someone pipes up that a ship’s captain has the authority to perform marriages on his vessel, and that saves the day?  Maybe that applies to other authority figures, like a mayor or police chief or fire captain.  It might be worth a phone call or internet search just to put your mind at ease.  For the record, I’ve only seen this happen once in the hundreds of weddings I’ve attended, and that one had a happy ending with the aforementioned state rep filling in for a member of the clergy who fell ill.

And who knows? If you show your local pol a good enough time, maybe you can even get all those parking tickets forgiven!

I know this is (thank heaven) exceedingly rare, but did anyone have an experience like this?  What was your solution?  Did you have to fly off to Las Vegas to make it official?

Perfectly legal on Tatooine.

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“It’s Good You Should Eat!”

According to legend, that line is the timeless cliche uttered by everyone’s Jewish grandma or aunt or mother no matter how many helpings you’ve already had of the amazing spread on the holiday table.  I’m not sure if my own grandmother (a Goldstein, for those keeping score at home) actually ever said those precise words, but the sentiment was ever present.  And never has this sentence been more appropriate than on the day of your wedding.  Now I’m sounding like one of your parents (something I really try to avoid), but trust me here.  If you don’t fill your stomach you are courting disaster.  I guarantee those pounds you lost through dieting and Pilates in the six months before your wedding day will NOT horrifically reappear because you eat breakfast eight hours before the ceremony.  (Unless of course you chow down on that new Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich from Dunkies.  I felt my arteries clogging just reading about it.)

Probably better than nothing, but don’t make a habit of it.

With all the commotion and anxiety flying around in the 24 hours before a wedding, we know how easy it is to “forget” — or simply feel too busy — to eat. Here’s a helpful hint: You are not too busy to eat. Delegate everything if you have to, but it’s absolutely essential that you get some food in your stomach both before and during the whole shenanigan. In fact, delegate the responsibility to make sure you eat to a trusted attendant (probably not your mother, because you’ve heard it too many times from her over the years when you were trying to slim down to fit into your prom dress).  Each of us has our own “normal” routine when it comes to eating, whether you think breakfast is a nice bowl of oatmeal or last night’s leftover pepperoni pizza (Ding Dongs do NOT count).  But whatever you do, make an effort to eat what you normally consume for breakfast (unless your normal is nothing washed down with coffee).  And if the ceremony isn’t until later in the day, do the same for lunch.  What you are doing is telling your digestive tract that this is just another day like any other, and to please ignore those gallons of adrenaline and excess stomach acid churning through your body.  You need to do this even if your physical state is somewhere south of optimal after whatever you did the night before the wedding day.  In fact, that’s when you need it the most.

Not a breakfast food. In fact, not a food at all.

We’ve seen way too many brides who couldn’t find the time or the serenity to eat something substantial during the last several hours before the ceremony — and we’ve seen those same brides feeling dizzy, nauseous or just plain over-inebriated later on in the day. Nobody wants to spend the theoretical Happiest Day of Her Life trying just to stay vertical.  I’ve seen more than one bride carried off after barely making it through the ceremony.  I’m not making that up.

Here’s the recipe for disaster, and it works every time:

1. Get extremely nervous before the rehearsal dinner because there’s bad weather predicted for tomorrow.  Don’t eat at the dinner, but drink lots of sparkly liquids.
2. Stay up almost all night before the wedding day because you’re reliving a junior high school slumber party with your best friends when you weren’t allowed to stay up all night.  Eat lots of stuff that comes out of plastic/metallic bags in which sugar, sodium, and unpronounceable chemicals are the sole ingredients.  Drink much beer or more sparkly liquids.
3. Feel like you want to vomit in the morning.  Therefore, skip breakfast or anything like it.
4. Become very agitated as it comes time to get ready and into your dress, and therefore skip lunch.  But continue to drink things you don’t normally imbibe during the hours before sundown.
5. Refuse to eat anything else once you are made up and in your dress.  This is actually a smart idea based on what I’ve seen, but if you followed steps 1-4 you’re likely beyond help anyway.
6. Feel worse than you’ve ever felt in your adult lifetime as you prepare for the biggest occasion of said lifetime.

Again, trust us.  You do not want to experience your wedding day in an altered state brought on by nutritional deprivation.  Do whatever is necessary to remember this: write “FOOD” on your hand, assign one of your bridesmaids to be on bridal snack duty, hang bags of trail mix from the ceiling — we don’t care about the method. We just care that you get enough nutrition and energy to make it through the day. Because let’s be real: you’re probably already so nervous you feel like you’re going to pass out. Don’t give your body a good reason to do it.

And how about you?  Did you eat before the wedding?  Any good ideas, or bad experiences?  Were those Mimosas and Bloody Marys a smart choice?

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But, Do You Really Need a Wedding to Get Married?

I’ve talked a lot about simplicity here on this blog, mostly because I feel like it can often be the saving grace keeping many otherwise-totally-sane folks from descending into utter madness near the day of a wedding. Whether it’s flowers or matching bridesmaids dresses, I often think simpler is better — for everyone concerned. From your blog titles and comments, I know many of you feel the same.

But what about a seriously simple wedding — that is, doing away with the whole to-do entirely? After all, for the not-so-religious among you, a wedding is simply a big party to celebrate the whole idea of getting hitched. The real thing happens at some small, poorly-decorated office in your local city or town, where you and your betrothed sign some official-looking papers saying that yes, you will be filing joint taxes from now on. The thing is, there’s a difference between a wedding and a marriage, at least legally speaking. The wedding is the celebration, but the marriage is what you’re actually celebrating.

This isn’t really what I meant by “simple.” But I suppose it’s one interpretation.

In light of that, I’ve started seeing a trend, especially among younger couples and second marriages, to do away with the whole wedding shebang (almost) entirely. Plenty of couples these days are opting to keep it, shall we say, simple, just signing the marriage license in front of a few close friends or family members, and that’s all she wrote. Some people choose to have a big party for friends a few months down the road, when they’re all settled in, while others are spending the money they would have otherwise thrown into a wedding on having a really great honeymoon instead. A few are even taking the old-fashioned romantic route and just eloping. All of these seem like totally reasonable options, especially for people who don’t necessarily want to make a big deal out of the whole thing.

Now, I’m not advocating for everyone to drop the idea of the ceremony and party and just run down to the local town office and get it over with. For one thing, I’d be out of a job pretty fast. I also understand that for many people, a wedding is so much more than the sum of its parts — it has religious significance, or represents family traditions, offers a chance to see people you may not have seen in years, or it can just be a hell of a good time. These (and whatever other reasons you have) are all perfectly legitimate, and wonderful, reasons to go ahead planning for your dream wedding. If that’s what your dream wedding is. But I’ve also seen so many weddings that seem to be shaped by the wishes of someone’s parents, or family expectations, or what the wedding planner thinks would look nice, and those never seem to be what would truly make the couple happiest. By all means, keep planning and having your giant dance-party weddings (and hire photographers!), if that’s what you want. But if it’s not, why not save the money and spend in on the best beachfront eco-hotel in Thailand? It’s your day, after all.

These folks clearly have their priorities in order.

What do you think? Are there other reasons to have a big, pull out all the stops wedding? Looking back, was having a wedding important to you or would you rather have just signed the papers and run away on your honeymoon instead? What are the pros and cons of skipping a wedding ceremony or reception entirely?

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The Canine Conundrum: Does Your Dog Want To Be In The Wedding?

Uh-oh. Is he really going to…?

Since we are well into the season for lovely outdoor weddings, it’s time to discuss an issue that is pretty exclusively limited to ceremonies held in an open space (at least I hope so).  There are many among us to whom our pooch is an almost best friend (I’m jumping to the conclusion that your future spouse is in that spot for now, until he/she inevitably occupies – forgive me – the dog house).  So how you could leave that adorable pal out of the most important event of your young life?  Well, I can think of a few reasons.  As always, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, since the wedding is all about the two of you and should be as close to exactly what you want (perfect?) as possible.

But no matter how much you adore your dog, or how well-behaved he/she is on a regular basis, there’s some potential for catastrophe when you involve a four-legged family member in the actual wedding ceremony.  Sure, it’s an outrageously adorable idea, and yes, I’ve seen it done successfully on many occasions.  And frankly it has the potential to make me happy because if the pictures work, it will look wonderful and people will “awwwwww” over it for years. But, the emphasis is on if.

Don’t get me wrong: Dogs are great. I love dogs! All they want is to be with their best friends and play.  Or lie down.  Or put paw prints on your dress.  Or sleep.  Or chase something.  Or slobber on someone.  I’m just not convinced (as some people seem to be) that dogs are people. Yes, both people and dogs can follow directions, to an extent, depending on both the person and the dog. (There have been several occasions when the behavior of some of the other members of a particularly rowdy wedding party made me wonder if the dog was the best behaved among them, but once again I digress.)  Yes, both are capable of walking in a straight line (until later in the evening). But honestly, one of these options (the dog, we hope) is far more likely to stop for a brief territory-marking session against one of your guest’s chairs — or worse, take an amorous interest in one of said guest’s legs. Granted, a photo of Bruno getting up close and personal with Great-Aunt Gladys’s left thigh would have comedic value, but you have to ask yourself how much you want your ceremony to be a cause for seat squirming giggles (and/or slightly offended family members).  And I’m convinced dogs actually have more of a case of nerves doing something so completely un-doglike (who are all these people and WHY ARE THEY LOOKING AT ME?) that they are far more likely to embarrass themselves and you.

“I can’t believe they made me wear this outfit. When we get home I’m ruining the living room rug.”

And we admit we haven’t discussed it with them at length, but we imagine that dogs, like teenagers, don’t really have much interest in putting on fancy clothes and standing around for several hours. They’d rather be outside frolicking, or inside chewing on your new dancing shoes. If your puppy is such an integral family member that you couldn’t possibly dream of excluding him/her from the whole shenanigan, then maybe just grab a big fancy neck bow and have your baby stand out front as the world’s most adorable greeter/usher. We promise it’ll be just as cute, and less fraught with peril.

When it comes to puppies prancing down the aisle, though (please don’t make the pup the actual ring-bearer), I would ask you to consider the words of a legendary football coach on why he didn’t like pass plays: “Three things can happen, and two of them are bad.”  But as always, it’s your call, and by all means have Snuffy in the wedding if it would break your heart to leave him out.  Most of the time it works just fine…

But go ahead! Prove us wrong! Anyone have a great dog-in-a-wedding story to challenge our doubts?  Or one in which things didn’t go quite according to plan?

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The Agony Of The Feet

Their magic must be very powerful or they wouldn’t hurt so much!

Yes, we know. Those shoes are very cute. They look fabulous when you’re standing absolutely still in front of the mirror. Leaning on a friend for support. And not really breathing too much in case oxygen throws off your center of balance. But once you take a few steps… not so much. It’s not worth breaking an ankle for the sake of footwear that may not even be visible from under your dress (although there’s a dissenting opinion cited later).  Your maid of honor might literally be the only person to see those shoes all day when she helps you into them because you can no longer view anything below your waist.  Now no one is suggesting you should do anything that will make you look less than fabulous, but remember there is a reality in play here.  You will have to move in those shoes.  You will likely need to march down an aisle or something like it (maybe soft turf that swallows heels like a black hole), while already managing a gown that’s not your standard mode of apparel.  Assuming all goes well you will also want to dance the night away.  And there’s all that adrenaline and nervous energy making you just a bit unsteady to begin with.

Since you’re an adult (or so we’re assuming. This blog does not in any way condone underage nuptials), you know that the key to successful style is to dress for the occasion. This is just as true for weddings as it is for the opera, theme parties or bowling night. Unlike some nights out, your shoes are not the center of attention here. You are.  And the last thing you want is for all that attention to be focused on you limping through your reception, or wincing as you try to finish your first dance while thinking more about blisters than about your new spouse. Plus, you’re forcing the photographer to work a whole lot harder to make you look happy.  And do you want to spend the first day and night at your exotic honeymoon destination soaking your poor mistreated feet?  Didn’t think so.  (This applies to men as well, believe it or not.  Rule One: NEVER wear brand new shoes at your wedding.  Never.  Don’t ask me how I know this.)

Our blog heartily endorses this solution.

Hey, if you have some killer heels you’re just dying to rock for the formal photos, be our guest (technically, you are in fact your own guest. But let’s not get caught up in semantics). Show off those Louboutins to your heart’s content — and maybe send us a pair if you have some extras lying around? Size six-and-a-half? Anyone? But once the photos are done, why drive yourself crazy hobbling around? And getting drunk enough that you don’t notice how much your feet hurt is not a solution. Leave those antics to the bridesmaids.

We can only endorse wearing uncomfortable shoes in the interest of creating high drama (and some great photo ops).  At one outdoor wedding we witnessed a bride who got sick of her heels getting stuck in the grass on every step, so halfway down the hill to the altar she kicked them off and finished the ceremony barefoot. This is a totally acceptable response to inappropriate footwear. And if you’re one of those ladies who honestly would rather break her ankle than look short (we met one very adamant bridesmaid who told us exactly this), at least do what you can to minimize your risk. And maybe make sure someone at the reception has an ice pack.

Is this what you had in mind when you picked out those dazzling shoes?

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Your Venue: Expect The Unexpected.

Choosing the venue for your reception should be one of the most enjoyable parts of your wedding planning process.  If you have the time you can visit beautiful sites and experience them minus the stress and headaches the real event might produce.  And if you can’t actually get there, you can make virtual journeys on the web.  There are countless possibilities, so many wonderful places with atmosphere, gorgeous scenery, and just the right feeling for your party.  And this is all good.  But remember you might want to go the extra mile (or miles, literally) to visit your final choice and imagine it filled with people who could be in a somewhat altered state of consciousness or various stages of sobriety by the time the evening has reached its climax.  You should see the room and use your imagination, because some of your more rambunctious guests probably will.

Too much temptation?

Let’s say for example, hypothetically, you’re having your wedding at a fun oceanside venue on the coast of an unspecified northeastern state. Let’s also say that the aforementioned venue has lobster buoys and various other aquatic items associated with seafaring commerce hanging from the rafters – you know, for local color and charm. Now, we’re not all math experts here, but I’m sure you have some idea of what happens when you combine lobster buoys + tempting low-hanging objects + drunk guests + a celebratory mood. Hint: It may or may not seriously upset the management who all of a sudden have to remember whether their liability insurance is paid up.

This is why scouting the property beforehand is always a good idea — even better if you try to see that property through the eyes of an inebriated person. Better yet, just get one of your friends drunk and bring him or her with you as a test subject.  It’s been my observation that at almost every wedding reception a certain percentage of your guests are going to get tipsy.  And then they might look for something to do that would never occur to them had they not had a bit too much of the bubbly, such as something to swing on, or from. And if all the appealing dance partners are taken, and you managed to keep your venue free of “dancing” poles, their wandering eyes just may drift toward the ceiling. Toward disaster.  I’m not making this one up.  I’ve seen it happen, and the expression on the catering manager’s face was somewhere between astonished and apoplectic when he saw some of the more adventurous guests in the air above the dance floor, supported only by the lobster buoys attached to the ceiling beams.

Now you know your friends and family much better than I do, and the overwhelming majority of people attending weddings are very well behaved.  But if there’s any doubt about whether you have some of that small minority on your guest list, or you have some especially wild cousins, you might want to consider how attached you are to your security deposit. Or just look for a place with higher rafters.

If you have a story about some wild action at a reception (we’ll never tell if it was yours), we’d love to hear it.  After all, lobster buoys aren’t the only thing you can swing from.

This is how it might look to them when the party’s in full swing, if you get my meaning.

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Not Invited? Maybe You Should Thank Them!

That’s a lot of plane tickets. And at least six dresses no one will ever wear again.

We’ve already talked about the angst involved in paring down the invitation list to a manageable number, and whether it’s in your best interest to let people know who aren’t being invited so they can make other plans for that Saturday a few months from now.  That and the cost of your wedding are almost certainly the most intense contributors to your pre-nuptial stress.  Everybody knows that weddings can be an expensive proposition, setting back those paying the bills an average of around $28K in the US.  There’s the dress and the venue and the music and the food and the photography (sorry!) all adding to the price of entry.  And according to The Knot, about a quarter of this year’s weddings will be of the destination type, requiring travel to exotic locales.  But I have to admit I hadn’t given any thought to how expensive it is for those whose only responsibility is to show up and express their love and/or affection for the couple getting married.  Maybe that’s because I get paid to go to almost every wedding I attend, rather than having to shell out a substantial part of my monthly take-home pay in order to enjoy a free dinner and some dancing.  (And it could help explain why getting a plate of food from some caterers is like asking for their first born child; they know I got in for free!)  But thanks to one of my favorite fellow bloggers, I now know it’s no small decision whether to accept an invitation when it means you might be eating ramen for the rest of the month as you pay off your bills.

According to a survey by American Express, 69 million of us will attend a wedding this year and the average guest (there must be a better way to phrase that) will need to part with $539 (up fifty percent over last year!) to say yes to that lovely engraved invitation.  How can that be true, you might ask?  The math is pretty simple, actually.  About a third goes to travel, a third to something new to wear, and another third for the wedding gift.  Now clearly you can cut some corners on this, but it’s still a considerable commitment when you consider that the average (ouch! there it is again) wedding guest is in their mid- to late twenties and not yet at the top of the earning pyramid.  And if you have the (mis?)fortune to be tapped to be in the wedding party, you can rack up even more renting a tux or (in the case of bridesmaids) buying a dress you wouldn’t be caught dead in again at anything but a zombie costume party.  More than two-thirds of bridesmaids say they will either give their dress to a thrift shop or family friend, and the other third probably lied to the person taking the survey.  At least the guys get to take their outfits back so someone else can pay to wear it.

Which brings us to the curious case of Christopher Sledzik.  Yes, THAT Christopher Sledzik (the guy on the right in the picture).  The one who attended twelve weddings last year, three as a member of the bridal party, at a cost of somewhere in the neighborhood of $10,000.  Well you might ask if Chris sold his internet startup for a billion dollars or is the sole heir to a Saudi oil fortune, but no.  He’s a 27-year-old guy with a good job who really wanted to be there for his friends, even if it meant putting that entire $10K on a credit card he’ll be paying off for years.  If there were a poster child for Most Devoted Wedding Guest Ever, he would be found in that photo above.

So I promise I’ll be more understanding the next time a caterer seems a little reluctant to give food to me, one of the chosen few who will be better off financially when the last dance is over.  And I’ll be sure to remember Chris Sledzik.

What do you think?  Have you had to pay too much to attend a wedding?  Is there any way around this, especially for the wedding party?  And are you one of the few bridesmaids who has actually worn the dress another time?  Once again, we’d love to hear.

My Pinterest and Facebook always say yes to invitations!

Be Here Now. Or Don’t Be Here At All.

It hasn’t gotten as bad as this (courtesy of The New Yorker), has it?  I haven’t actually seen anyone tweet from the altar, but something tells me it’s been done.

Ooops. Maybe we’re there already.

And that’s because as a species it appears we’ve become incapable of being in the moment and savoring what’s going on right in front of our noses.  OK, I know this sounds like a rant from one of your grandparents, but bear with me.  This opinion was arrived at the old fashioned way: by watching the human race make fools of themselves on a consistent basis.  We’ve reached a time in our evolution (devolution?) in which we can’t just see something.  We are compelled to record it, no matter what the circumstances or the loss of the original experience.  And we can’t just observe something.  We have to comment on it instantaneously, putting our own feeble bleatings out into the ether for everyone to share (as if they have time when they’re busy letting everyone know what they think).  We can’t just BE somewhere.  We feel duty bound to tell everyone else on earth (as if they’re paying attention) where we are and what we’re doing.  The bard (remember him?) said it best about all this human noise: “Full of sound and fury, signifying NOTHING.”

OK, enough blowing off steam.  Why does this bother me?  Let me give you an example.  Not long ago I photographed a wedding in a lovely church, featuring a happy couple and adoring family and friends.  As I took pictures of the bride’s dad handing her off to her husband-to-be, I noticed the groom’s mother in the first row, with her face up to her cell phone.  She had taken video of the processional and was settling in to record the ceremony and the exchange of vows.  Pardon me, but isn’t there something a little bit absurd here?  This was her son getting married, not some distant cousin or a kid who lived in the neighborhood.  And she chose not to watch her son get married.  Instead, she was fixated on a tiny screen on the back of a small electronic device placed directly between her and her boy in the most important moment of his life.  All her attention was focused (pun intended) on what SHE was doing, rather than on the wedding taking place right in front of her.  And as soon as the vows were over, what did she do?  What anyone would do, of course!  She sat down to watch what she had just recorded, ignoring everything else going on in the church, even giving the relative right next to her that “Hey look at this!” poke with her elbow.  And yes, they did have a professional videographer on the scene already.

I’ll admit it’s unusual (but far from unique) seeing a parent do this, but for other people it’s standard operating procedure.  Everyone is taking and sending pictures (OOOOH, what filter should I use?) or texting and tweeting all the time no matter what the occasion.  And a lot of the tweets aren’t true.  When they type “Watching Cheryl and Matt get hitched!”, they aren’t.  It should read, “Sending a tweet while Cheryl and Matt get married!”  And that can’t wait until after the ceremony is over?  Apparently not.

Did anyone actually see them get married?

I know this is a fact of life, so why bring it up?  Because I think it’s still not too late to take some control over what goes on at your own wedding.  If you don’t want everyone (even your mother) distracted by all the screens glowing and the thumbs furiously working the keypads, let people know.  You can ask the officiant to announce you would prefer they pay attention to you and leave the recording and the commentary until later.  Or is this a futile gesture?

What do you think?  Would (or did) this kind of behavior bother you at your wedding?  I’m not advocating a return to a pre-digital age, just a little consideration for the couple and their idea of what they want their wedding to be.

If you can’t beat ’em, text ’em!

My Pinterest and Facebook never tweet during the ceremony!