DIY Or Professional Help: How Far Are You Willing To Go?

Could your aunt have made this dress? Not likely.

Unless you belong to the now famous one percent, you are likely intimidated by the cost of your decision to have a wedding rather than taking a cheap flight to Vegas.  The average American wedding carries a price tag of about $28,000, a considerable pill for any but the wealthy to swallow.  However, you can get plenty of advice on bringing down that bottom line by doing things yourself or enlisting the aid of others who will work at unpaid internship rates.

Which begs the question: what parts of your wedding celebration are OK to put in the hands of amateurs, and which functions should be performed by professionals even if it runs up the bill?  Fabulous fellow blogger Elena at Seamless asks one of those critical questions: do you know a seamstress who is skilled and dependable enough to agree to sew a wedding dress for you? Most of us get plenty nervous just looking at gowns — we can’t imagine taking on the pressure of being responsible for how the thing actually looks. (That’s why we choose to stay safely behind the lens, thank you very much.)

And for those of you with a friend planning a wedding, is it wise to perform a volunteer labor of love or should some of these tasks be left to experts?  So let’s pick apart the components and see which might be candidates for the DIY approach, and which should remain in the hands of experienced veterans.

• Cake.  Professional bakers produce spectacular results, but I’ve seen plenty of charming and delicious amateur productions as well.
• Printed Material.  Place cards, invitations, save-the-date cards: all of these can have more appeal when hand-made by a person close to you, but they are labor intensive.  If you want to keep this DIY volunteer as a friend, you might want to think twice.
• Flowers.  Best left to the pros, in my opinion.  They know how to arrange and store them so they will look gorgeous at the wedding, rather than looking as though they would have been beautiful yesterday, before they wilted.
• Music: I’m a HUGE fan of live bands at the reception and musicians at the ceremony.  There’s just no substitute for real talent on display in person.  But I realize the price tag might lead you to recorded music, and I’ve seen plenty of friends with laptops do a perfectly acceptable job rocking the reception.
• Video.  Answer honestly: how many times will you watch it?  I know video artists do wonderful work, but if all you want is a record of the fact you got married, an amateur with a decent camera can be an option.
• Photography.  Sorry, you already know this is where I draw the line.  There is no comparison between photos produced by a talented professional and those snapped by Uncle Ralph with his new digital camera.  This can be the difference between a beautiful set of visual memories you will look at many times over the years and a set of excuses why they didn’t turn out.

Did you have someone you know do any of these for you?  Were those good decisions with happy outcomes, or did some of them lead to disasters?  We’re all ears.

Very cute. But that’s quite a few tiny bows to tie.

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One Size Fits…None?

Our last post dealt with the thorny issue of how long is too long, and how short is potentially disastrous when it comes to the time spent in the limbo (purgatory?) of engagement leading up to a wedding.  I’ve seen the full range of options in play, from “Let’s throw this together and get married next month” to “Is two years really enough to get all the details ironed out?”  How do I know this?  Because that’s the alpha and omega of how far in advance of the wedding my services have been booked.  I once photographed a wedding for a couple who called me for a ceremony three weeks away, and another who had me save a date nearly two years in the future.  (I have to admit I was a little skeptical of that one since I know marriages that haven’t held together that long.)

The lesson from this?  There is no magic formula that works for everyone.  Some of you would go back and do junior high school all over again (braces, complexion meltdowns, boy bands) rather than spend months and months on wedding planning, whereas others genuinely enjoy the process and its obsession with tiny details that no one but you will notice.  To each her (or his) own, and more power to you either way.  They key is to find the right formula for you, and not let any outside agencies (moms included) dictate your overall strategy.  Sounds logical, or at least sensible, right?  Then how to explain the following, which I stumbled on a little while ago in my never-ending search for deeper knowledge about weddings:

Then just bake for thirty minutes at 350 degrees and presto! Perfect wedding!

(Click here for the full, more legible version)

This handy chart tells you everything you need to do in the order in which you need to do it, no matter what kind of wedding you are planning.  You could have your heart set on a sunset ceremony on a sandy beach in SoCal, or an intimate gathering of three hundred and fifty of your closest friends at the Ritz Carlton, and this little guide will carry you through the planning process either way.  OK, I apologize to Lauren Conrad, the wedding planner who put this together.  Seriously, I mean no offense, and I hope none is taken.  Most planners are wonderful, caring people who want nothing but the best for the couples they work with, and many times they perform the invaluable service of reducing the tension and stress  that can accompany all the decisions you will need to make.  But… they are also fellow members of the wedding industrial complex (yes I am, guilty as charged), and therefore can at times be overzealous in their pursuit of the “perfect” for you.  Because there is never a perfect result, it follows that there can’t be a perfect recipe, especially if anyone is serious about applying this to every wedding.  This set of instructions, no matter how well intentioned, may bear no resemblance to the planning process that will work for you, so don’t feel intimidated by it.  If it is “you,” go for it.  If not, go your own way and remember that your enjoyment is the most important aspect of your wedding, and if possible, the time leading up to it, whether it’s literally weeks or years or anything between.  For one day in your life, it’s all about you, so your plans should reflect that.

Any real world experiences with planning schedules out there?  Did you really need to start your cake tastings and makeup trials eight months before?

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Maybe I WILL Just Do It Myself!

DIY is a huge trend in — well, just about everything these days. It seems like everyone is trying to branch out into some kind of creative, artisanal niche, whether it’s homebrewing their own beer or crafting Zooey Deschanel-worthy headbands. While I’ll be more than happy to see the beer trend pass by (seriously, your seasonal IPA is not better than the great stuff they stock at good liquor stores, no matter how much I pretend to like it), I see why the DIY impulse is so appealing when it comes to weddings. Weddings can be insanely expensive, but they don’t have to be if you plan correctly (and have some talented friends). The all-powerful WIC wants you to think that you need to spend tons of money on every single detail down to the napkins, but savvy brides are catching on that it’s not actually necessary.

Here are a few things I’ve seen done very creatively at weddings, at a much lower cost than you’d pay for someone else to do it:

• Pretty much everything that guests will end up holding. From favors to napkin-holders, these are easily disposable items that shouldn’t be a headache or a high-cost issue. People are going to end up leaving these or throwing them away, so don’t waste your budget on them. This doesn’t mean they have to look cheap — you can still make fun, creative things like these noisemakers that show guests to their tables without involving a stationary store.
  

  Who needs cardholders when apples work just as well? Plus, it gives guests an extra snack!

• On that note, I think some of the best favors are ones that are personal, useful or just plain fun. They don’t have to be fancy to be meaningful — the idea is that guests remember what a good time they had at the wedding, not wonder how much you shelled out for whatever trinket they’re taking home. Maybe the bride and groom are caffeine freaks — why not give a little bag of coffee beans to everyone? Or, even better, the idea of recycling things used during the wedding as favors, like these mason jar flower centerpieces — a two-for-one deal.
• Pretty much everything else that involves paper. Sure, making sure that every single piece of paper in the room has exactly the same font can be soothing to some people, but there’s no reason to shell out a ton of dough on something that, again, is more likely than not going to end up in someone’s recycle bin (hopefully you have the kind of friends who recycle!). Invitations, in particular, can be a huge stress for people — yes, you want your invitation to look, well, inviting, but that’s nothing that can’t be managed in Photoshop. If you have time, it can be fun to design something to represent exactly what you want it to say without spending hours haggling with a “consultant.” Better yet, if you have a graphic designer friend, bribe him or her into helping you with it and, voila! A professional invitation, without the professional price tag! (You should buy your friend dinner or something, though. This stuff ain’t free)
  

  This is only a million times cuter than some fancy invitation with a boring font and a paper name you can’t pronounce.

• Music. This is extremely dependent on the couple and bridal party — some people really want the sound of a live band, and if that’s what their hearts are set on, then they should absolutely do it. Everyone loves live music. But lots of people also just like dancing, whether the music is coming from a guitar, turntable or speakers. Plenty of people already know exactly what music they and their friends want to hear — and if they already have in on their iPod, why waste money putting someone else in charge of it (especially if that someone has his own opinions about musical choices)? Again, music is a very personal thing, but guests will almost certainly have more fun dancing to a really good playlist than a mediocre DJ.

Now, while I support the DIY trend in general, especially in the interest of saving money that could be better spent on something that will be more useful to you as a married couple, I don’t think that the whole wedding should necessarily be made from scratch. There are a few things that probably should be reserved for the professionals, unless you or someone you trust is extremely talented.

• The dress. Dresses are complicated beasts, and wedding dresses even more so. I’m not suggesting you need to shell out the insane amounts of money that most dress designers want you to, but unless you have a professional seamstress in the family, it’s probably best to seek your garments from someone with some experience making them.
• The cake. On a similar note, baking is not as easy as our grandmothers made it seem, and wedding cakes are an art unto themselves. Not everyone goes in for Ace of Cakes levels of madness, and maybe you really do just want a simple cake like the raspberry one your aunt always makes. If that’s what you’re looking for, then by all means go for it, but remember that it’s a lot of pressure for the baker, too. If you don’t want your aunt panicking over whether messing up the cake might ruin your wedding, everyone might be better off with the confections in the hands of trained experts. Plus, from what I’ve seen, you practically need an engineering degree to build those things correctly.
  

  Uh-oh.

• The photographer. You guys already know how I feel about this one.

What about you? Did you DIY anything for your wedding? Have you seen any great crafts, or any that looked like they would have been better left to a professional? Is there anything that absolutely can’t be done on your own?

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Take Me Out To The Wedding!

Now batting…

It’s finally spring in our part of the country.   I know, I know, some of you alternate between spring and summer all year long, but for us the first sign of green growth and wild critters going after each other with mischief on their little minds makes us warm all over, even if it’s not sunny every day.  But the snow is gone, the short skirts are out of the closets, and the college students still have on the flip-flops they wore all winter anyway.  So what do young couples start to think about as they stroll through lush parks and alongside swollen rivers?  You guessed it.  Baseball!

Admittedly we live in a baseball crazed region, our cultural identity defined by unyielding (and many times foolish) loyalty to the local nine.  We even insist on hurling insults at a team from just south of here that has traditionally beaten the crap out of us for the last hundred years or so.  So it’s only natural that many couples want to combine their love of each other with their affection for our boys of summer.  There was a time a few years ago when the team was so uncharacteristically successful that no wedding reception ended without some genuflection to our unexpected championship team.  I’m serious.  Every wedding speech included some reference to the World Series, and anyone who dared to mention that team from just south of here was booed and mercilessly shouted down.  Wedding cakes were decorated with the team logo, or constructed to look like the beloved little ball park.  Wedding parties posed as if playing the national game on the lawn outside the reception hall.  My favorite was a couple who each had nine attendants in the wedding party.  During the formal photos (quite a challenge with twenty people) I joked that they had enough for a baseball game and they said, in unison, “That’s why we did it.”  My kind of people.

We’ve all seen televised proposals during a game with the groom-to-be on his knee in the bleachers, and the blushing (and sometimes reluctant) bride looking at him like he’s completely out of his mind.  There they are on the jumbo screen as thirty thousand of their closest new friends squirm in their seats, hoping she’ll say yes.  I’ve never seen her turn him down, but I know it must happen, and that’s got to put a bigger damper on the day than an A-Rod grand slam.  But if all goes well and she agrees, they can plan to have their wedding reception at the ballpark, an increasingly popular option.

And there’s a certain symmetry to all this.  Spring and baseball have always represented a new beginning, a fresh start, and deeply passionate hopes for the future.  What better metaphor is there for starting a new life together?  “Play Ball” and “I Do.”  A marriage made in heaven, if you ask me.  Tell us if it worked for you.

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Everything To Excess

Is that veil long enough?

We’ve written plenty in this blog about reducing wedding related stress, and one of the most wrenching decisions for any couple can be: how much is it going to cost?  How much can we afford to shell out?  Do we want to put ourselves in hock for the next five years just to throw a party?  And these are big decisions.  The WIC (wedding-industrial complex) spends a great deal of its time (and money) to convince you to spend a lot of yours in the relentless pursuit of perfection, giving you a full accounting of all of this season’s Must Have’s and Must Do’s.  It’s enough to make you want to elope.

But thanks to our friends at Forbes, we can put everything in perspective and count our lucky stars we don’t have the problems the billionaires lose sleep over.  Think about it for a minute.  What if you could do literally anything you wanted, spending without limits?  When would enough be enough, and would there ever be too much?  If you could drop $100,000 on your dress like the one worn by Melania Knauss (the third Mrs. Trump) instead of straining to come up with $5,000 for yours, would you?  Or pity Petra Ecclestone, the daughter of billionaire Bernie Ecclestone, who spent $3 million on musical entertainment that included Andrea Bocelli and the Black Eyed Peas.  Would the Dropkick Murphys have given her more bang for her bucks?  She also had five thousand white roses for decoration, which may have been why The Donald made sure there were ten thousand flowers at his wedding.  If there was a six-foot cake (wonder how much of it was real) at his second wedding, would a ten-footer be adequate at the third?  And the guest list?  Three thousand of your closest friends including A-list celebs, with secret locations, security staff, paparazzi, and closed air space.  Be thankful you have limits.

But the top one hundredth of one percent shouldn’t have all the fun and leave us to choose which thrift shop dress or high school friend DJ we want at our weddings.  No sir, we can spend foolishly too, just not on the scale of the filthy rich.  Here are a few predicted wedding trends from New England Bridal Affair:

• Fun Factor – Snow cone machines, old fashioned popcorn carts, bocce ball – these things do not exactly come to mind when you think wedding. That just might change in 2013 (or not).
• Return to Elegance –  DIY, shabby chic, and rustic themes have dominated the wedding scene for the past two years, but as wedding divas like David Tutera flood the mainstream media airways, brides are exposed to more elaborate and glamorous table settings changing their idea of their dream wedding. There are ways to create an elegant wedding without spending six figures (nice to hear six figures isn’t de rigeur).
• Unusual Venues – This year, we predict warehouse and other non-traditional venues will be a popular choice among brides and event planners. Using pipe and drape, lounge furniture, and lighting, any venue can be transformed into the bride’s dream (or nightmare?).
• Glamping – Think grown up summer camp. Ultra luxe safari-style wedding tents with liners, heaters/AC, lighting, and greenery are highly popular right now with celebrities and brides. Think camping meets glamorous (velour pup tents?).

So be prepared to drop not quite six figures on snow cone machines set in a glamorous luxury safari tent inside a warehouse.  There you have it.  Very 2013.

I’m dedicated to speaking to (and sometimes for) those of us who live on this planet.  My advice?  Take a deep breath, ignore as much of the nonsense as you can, and imagine a wedding that reflects the two of you, not what the glitterati and trend-setters say it should be.  If your style is a beach barbeque and a cake fight, you’ll have a much better time than those billionaires who are worried about whether a sixteen foot veil is long enough (Trump’s third wedding).

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No Fooling. Seriously.

Was that a cannon, or just the beating of my heart?

So it’s April Fool’s, the one day of the year when any idiot can get away with tasteless and potentially hazardous pranks without incurring the wrath of those around him.  You’re supposed to be a good sport and go along with the foolishness, admiring their cleverness and ingenuity.  This kind of prank is just about exactly what you don’t want at your wedding (unless of course you’re the prankster).  I don’t have figures showing how popular (or not) this day is for weddings, but I have a feeling it ranks pretty close to the bottom of the list.

And with good reason.  Let’s face it.  Even the coolest of brides who are committed to staying relaxed and managing the madness tend to get a little edgy when the day arrives, and those who began as nervous wrecks just get more so.  Every bride wants her wedding day to go off without a hitch whether it’s an informal gathering on the beach or a catered affair for three hundred and fifty at a downtown hotel.  And they have every right to ask for that.  It’s their day.  So when someone deliberately sabotages their plans, it’s pretty hard to forget.  Or forgive.

But some people just can’t help themselves.  They’re convinced their prank will be hilarious and puncture the traditional wedding tension like a balloon.  What they can’t seem to grasp is the bright line between shock and surprise.  Their lame attempt at humor can end up being what everyone remembers from the wedding, and not because it was funny.  A surprise should make you smile, whereas a shock makes you hope the batteries in Uncle Morton’s pacemaker are fresh.

I’ve seen a lot of pranks deployed at weddings, and some really sweet surprises that were memorable for all the right reasons.  Let’s see if we can illuminate the difference with a few “yes, it really did happen” episodes, and a little advice on what works and what doesn’t.

• No to a cannon fired during the ceremony (without the bride knowing it was coming).  Yes to fireworks at the end of the reception (again, a surprise for the bride).
• No to hidden (but loud) bozo horns during the ceremony.  Yes to chimes after the vows.
• No to unsanctioned singing during the ceremony (especially by the officiant).  Yes to unscripted singing at the reception.
• No to pretending that the rings are lost (this one is so lame I can’t believe anyone would fall for it).  Yes to substituting a pop top if the rings really are lost.
• No to a bogus kidnapping of the bride, driving her away from the site of the ceremony until she actually gets panicked.
• No to playfully locking the door to the closet in which the wedding dress is hanging without checking to see if anyone has a key.  Yes to kicking that door down.
• And a resounding NO to anything popping out of the cake.

So to those of you considering an April Fool’s type prank at your friend’s wedding, think about whether it’s a good idea for the guests to remember you more than the bride and groom.  And anyway, people would rather eat that cake than watch you make a fool of yourself in it.  But I’ve got an open mind and would love to hear about some pranks that really worked, so send them along.

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Not Perfect? It’s Perfectly Normal.

A lot of the chat generated by this blog has to do with my overriding premise that you shouldn’t strive for perfection on your wedding day.  After all (and answer truthfully) has anything actually been perfect, ever?  Thoughts may turn to people who look like Jennifer Lawrence or Ryan Gosling or other such media icons, but I have a feeling they would be the first ones to laugh in your face if you suggested they had achieved anything close to perfection.  And how about events?  I’m sure even the Duchess of Cambridge’s magical nuptials must have included few faux pas (was the famous Pippa posterior real?).  Most of us can scarcely get through a normal morning without a crisis or screw-up, so why would we expect a day on which the emotional IED’s are strewn all over the place to go off without a hitch?  My advice (based on first hand knowledge of hundreds of weddings) has always been: go for what makes you happy, and make sure you’re well prepared to have the time of your life no matter what.  Don’t obsess over details that will be forgotten all too quickly, or spend a bundle on stuff that will unceremoniously end up in a landfill at some point.

I know I’m in a very small minority here, as you can find approximately ten billion other blogs telling you EXACTLY how to achieve perfection in every aspect of your wedding day.  I’ve always known I was right, but now I’ve got proof!  (In the words of the great Colbert: “There are two opinions on this question.  Mine, and wrong.”) Thanks to our kindred spirits at Huffington Post, you can see how brides would have changed things if only they had the chance to do it all over again.  (The questions did NOT include choosing a different groom.)  Now don’t get me wrong.  I am not a Grinch about weddings.  I enjoy them.  Each one is a little sociological study, and they are fascinating to watch.  So don’t take this as dissing the wedding concept.  It’s more that I want to rest my case about neither wanting nor achieving perfection, but rather finding joy in whatever happens.  I think this is the reason that almost all the second marriages I have photographed have been very relaxed affairs.

So let’s go to the data.   They asked one hundred recent brides to think about their weddings and decide what they would have done differently.  Much of it had to do with money, such as wishing they hadn’t spent it on flowers for the bathroom or seating charts (not for the bathroom).  Although you can always find a quirk in any poll: 17% said they wished they hadn’t spent so much on flowers, while 16% thought they should have spent more.  About a third of the brides returned between 6-10 gifts, and if you’re thinking of what you should give the couple at your next wedding: yes to kitchen knives and vacuum cleaners, and no to blenders and serving platters.  And even though 21% thought they should have spent more on photography (see my post on hiring a professional), some of them regretted spending time on family photos that already look dated.

So as the politicians always say when they are failing to deal with some pressing issue that concerns us all, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” (What would they know? They never do either.)  But this time, they’ve got it right.

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Table Manners

What was cute when you were three just isn’t amusing anymore.

One thing everyone attending a wedding should remember is: the couple (and likely their parents) put a lot of love, thought, and money into the whole day and night.  And even if it isn’t perfect (nothing ever is) you shouldn’t be the cause of that lack of perfection.  You don’t want to be memorable unless you are one of the people saying “I Do.”  Everything at a wedding, from the flowers to the table settings to the food, is a reflection of someone’s wishes, and no one should remember a guest who misbehaved at the dinner table.

So here’s a list of Do’s and Don’ts (all right, they’re almost all Don’ts) based on my years of experience watching people push the bounds of proper etiquette when they should just be enjoying dinner.  You have to trust me on this; I’m not making any of it up.  I’ve seen each item on this list at least once.

• DON’T pass the rolls through the air.

• DON’T reach across the wine and water glasses to get the salad dressing from the middle of the table.  Simple physics.

• DON’T slurp the chowder.

• DON’T make someone laugh who is eating that chowder, unless you want it spouting through their nose and into your bowl.

• DON’T obsess about which fork to use.  No one cares.

• DON’T eat with your fingers, unless it’s a clambake.

• DON’T leave the table for twenty minutes and expect the food to be in great shape when you get back.  It might not be there at all.

• DON’T play with your food.

• DON’T play at the table (i.e., finger kicking field goals with little pieces of paper. Or radishes.).  Leave that to the kids’ table.

• DON’T make more than one group toast per table.

• DON’T attempt the “pull the table cloth out from under the dishes” trick.  It never works in real life.

• DON’T try to balance a spoon on your nose.  No one above the age of twelve who hasn’t had at least six beers thinks this is funny.

• DON’T try to balance fruit on your head.  That’s for professionals.  And when Carmen Miranda did it, the fruit was made of papier mache and glued together.

• DON’T put napkins on your head.  I’ve never understood that one, unless you’re outdoors and worried about low flying birds.  (See previous post: Aren’t You Glad Cows Don’t Fly?)

• DO tell someone (especially the bride) if there’s spinach in her teeth.  We can Photoshop the pictures, but not the reality.

So guys: if you think you need it (and you probably do), please visit Ask Men, read this table etiquette guide, and for God’s sake close your mouth when you chew. Not that I’m hinting this is mostly gender specific, but it’s likely the men who need advice on scooping their soup (not sipping or slurping straight from the bowl).

The last thing we want is a bride having to police table manners.  At least not until the honeymoon is over.

And that table cloth?  Don’t even think about it.

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Cake Fighting

The Wedding Cake: To Fight, Or Not To Fight?

One of the remaining historical mysteries surrounding the whole wedding extravaganza involves the cake, and once again we turn to the ancient Romans for a clue.  (Remember they invented hurling stuff at newlyweds?)  In those mercifully long-gone days, the groom would break a barley cake over the bride’s head to symbolize consummation of the marriage and his total dominance over his new spouse.  Like I said, it’s a good thing that empire fell for all the gender equity reasons, but also because chocolate is so much tastier than barley.  But how did that morph into the practice of smushing deliciously sweet confections into each other’s faces (and sometimes other body parts)?  That connection seems to be lost to history, but how much of that “tradition” you honor might be one of the first tests of the lifelong relationship you are starting.

The approaches to the cake cutting ceremony run the gamut from abstinence to full thermonuclear exchange, and everything between.  I’ve seen hundreds of wedding cakes cut, and the scenarios fall into these general categories:

1: Total Avoidance.  This can be achieved easily by skipping the cake cutting altogether, or by serving a big display of cupcakes (no cutting required!).

2: “We’re NOT doing that!”, expressed in no uncertain terms right before the knife is handed over from the caterer.  This is usually accompanied by an icy glare from the bride, indicating that the marriage can still be annulled if any frosting ends up on her dress.

3: “WE AGREED WE WEREN’T DOING THAT!”  These are the cake ceremonies in which one of the parties violates what was clearly a part of the pre-nup.  It’s fine if the newlywed going first breaches the treaty so the second has a chance to retaliate.  But if only one is a cake-er and the other a cake-ee, the union might be in trouble.

4: “OK, let’s do it!”  Both parties are on board, agreeing in advance to a full smush in each other’s faces.  It’s fun, the crowd loves it, and it stops there.  Towels are provided, but unlike the next option, showers aren’t necessary.

5: The All-Out Cake Armageddon. My favorite, for obvious reasons.  I’ve only seen a few of these, but they are a total blast.  The couple has two cakes on hand, one for the fight and one to eat.  Most of these involve changing out of wedding gown and tux either before or after the whole cake has been dismembered and spread onto anyone who happens to be in the line of fire.

But whatever you decide, my advice is to make the choice together.  I have seen a few of these go wrong, where clearly someone’s feelings are hurt by the violation of a mutual agreement.  Unless you are absolutely certain your new mate has a sense of humor that allows for this kind of betrayal, it’s best to stay on the safe side.  But if not, make sure to clear the frosting out of your nose.  It looks weird in the pictures.

It’s your wedding and you can smear if you want to.

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FAKE CAKE

IT’S SPECTACULAR, BUT CAN YOU EAT THAT THING?

We’ve all been to weddings where the cake is the center of attention, a magnificent edifice of frosting swirls, sculpted flowers, and layers upon layers of deliciousness.  Some of them seem to defy a few laws of physics as they dominate the reception hall, to the oohs and aahs of the assembled family and friends.  I know I’ve seen many of these confectionery masterpieces, having been to hundreds of weddings.  I came home from one wedding where the cake had been particularly memorable, a three-story mountain of white avalanches of sugary delights, and described it to my wife.  And after giving me that look, she said, “After all these years, haven’t you heard of show cakes?”

Then she told me how they do it.  Almost all of the cake is made of styrofoam layers, and the “frosting” is indeed what it seems to be: a rock hard concoction more closely related to ceiling plaster than gooey, artery-clogging sweetness.  Only a small layer near the top is real, and that’s why the couple is always instructed to cut right there in order to access the edible portion and feed each other their ceremonial first bites.  After that photo op is over, the cake is whisked away into the back room, never to return.  Meanwhile, the catering crew is cutting up and plating a real cake to be devoured by the salivating guests.

When my wife finished setting me straight (that job is never really over), I’ll admit I was a bit scandalized that such a fraud could be perpetrated on an unsuspecting wedding party.  But the more I thought about it, the better I liked the idea.  The cake they end up eating is probably tastier and fresher, the show cake can be cleaned up and re-used (very green indeed), and I’m assuming the fake cake is easier on the budget.  No harm, no foul.  Maybe best of all, I’ve seen cakes at summer weddings start to melt and disintegrate in the heat, an upper layer slowly sliding off like an Antarctic ice shelf as the frosting turns back to liquid.  You never have to worry about global climate change with your rock-solid show cake.

And one more benefit:  when the little ones who just can’t wait to get into the cake try to stick their tiny hands into the “frosting” on the bottom layer (the only one they can reach), they’ll learn a valuable lesson in life: all that’s frosted is not cake.

So if you suspect you’re looking at a show cake, go ahead and touch it.  The worst that can happen is you get sticky fingers.

Yes, this one was real.  And very tasty.

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