Table Manners

What was cute when you were three just isn’t amusing anymore.

One thing everyone attending a wedding should remember is: the couple (and likely their parents) put a lot of love, thought, and money into the whole day and night.  And even if it isn’t perfect (nothing ever is) you shouldn’t be the cause of that lack of perfection.  You don’t want to be memorable unless you are one of the people saying “I Do.”  Everything at a wedding, from the flowers to the table settings to the food, is a reflection of someone’s wishes, and no one should remember a guest who misbehaved at the dinner table.

So here’s a list of Do’s and Don’ts (all right, they’re almost all Don’ts) based on my years of experience watching people push the bounds of proper etiquette when they should just be enjoying dinner.  You have to trust me on this; I’m not making any of it up.  I’ve seen each item on this list at least once.

• DON’T pass the rolls through the air.

• DON’T reach across the wine and water glasses to get the salad dressing from the middle of the table.  Simple physics.

• DON’T slurp the chowder.

• DON’T make someone laugh who is eating that chowder, unless you want it spouting through their nose and into your bowl.

• DON’T obsess about which fork to use.  No one cares.

• DON’T eat with your fingers, unless it’s a clambake.

• DON’T leave the table for twenty minutes and expect the food to be in great shape when you get back.  It might not be there at all.

• DON’T play with your food.

• DON’T play at the table (i.e., finger kicking field goals with little pieces of paper. Or radishes.).  Leave that to the kids’ table.

• DON’T make more than one group toast per table.

• DON’T attempt the “pull the table cloth out from under the dishes” trick.  It never works in real life.

• DON’T try to balance a spoon on your nose.  No one above the age of twelve who hasn’t had at least six beers thinks this is funny.

• DON’T try to balance fruit on your head.  That’s for professionals.  And when Carmen Miranda did it, the fruit was made of papier mache and glued together.

• DON’T put napkins on your head.  I’ve never understood that one, unless you’re outdoors and worried about low flying birds.  (See previous post: Aren’t You Glad Cows Don’t Fly?)

• DO tell someone (especially the bride) if there’s spinach in her teeth.  We can Photoshop the pictures, but not the reality.

So guys: if you think you need it (and you probably do), please visit Ask Men, read this table etiquette guide, and for God’s sake close your mouth when you chew. Not that I’m hinting this is mostly gender specific, but it’s likely the men who need advice on scooping their soup (not sipping or slurping straight from the bowl).

The last thing we want is a bride having to police table manners.  At least not until the honeymoon is over.

And that table cloth?  Don’t even think about it.

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