A Very Oscar Wedding? Or Just a White Dress?

It’s interesting to me that we associate white dresses so directly with weddings that it’s near-impossible for any woman who’s already hit puberty to wear a white dress without some comment about how it looks “bridal.” We don’t say that a young woman wearing a green sundress looks like a Christmas tree, or anyone wearing blue is clearly a police officer. And yet, whenever a famous lady shows up at one of the gazillion awards shows wearing something longish and white, everyone’s off about how it looks too much like she’s trying to send a message (although, Amy Poehler? Anytime you’re ready to get back on the market, I’m here).

Here’s the thing, though — just because something is seen as true now, it doesn’t mean it was always true. This applies to everything from smoking being an acceptable weight-loss strategy to “marriage is between one man and one woman” (yeah, I went there, history revisionists). In fact, brides in western culture didn’t start wearing white in a serious way until the late 19th century, when fashion icon Queen Victoria popularized it. Back in the day, wealthy brides wore their fanciest, most colorful clothes to show off — in any color they chose. Black was even popular in some parts of northern Europe before the Victorian era. They must’ve had a hard time keeping their funerals and weddings separate — unless maybe they wore white for funerals? [insert corny outdated joke about weddings being like a funeral for your single self here]

And this is still primarily a Western thing — many brides from eastern countries like China, India and Pakistan wear red at weddings instead, because it’s the color of good luck. I think it’s a much nicer sentiment to have one’s choice of clothing on a wedding day invoke positive thoughts about luck and happiness, rather than dubious states of virginity (or the lack thereof), but that’s just me.

She certainly doesn’t look like she’s about to burst into flames. Into tears, maybe, but that’s a different issue entirely.

In any case, the point is that it seems more than a little lazy to me when people orbiting the strange star at the center of the fashion world resort to describing every single white dress they see as “bridal.” Just because a dress is white does not make it bridal, the same way an all-orange outfit doesn’t automatically make the wearer a convicted criminal.

Which brings us back to the Oscars, which was really the whole idea behind this thing. I don’t intentionally watch all of that red carpet pre-show nonsense, but when it’s on in the house, it’s hard to ignore all the loud noises and name-dropping. I was struck by the fact that every time an actress appeared in something even close to a white shade (maybe it’s eggshell? Taupe? I can’t tell — my eyes are going as it is), the desk of self-appointed jurors felt the need to comment on its levels of marital hinting. And yet, despite the fact that every single man attending the Oscars shows up like he’s on his way to the altar, not once did I hear anyone mention potential marriage plans. Seems a bit imbalanced, if you ask me.

But let’s ask you! What did you think about the light-hued Oscar dresses? Anyone look like she should switch with Julia Roberts circa Runaway Bride? Here are a few snaps to refresh your memories — do any of them really look like she’s missing a veil, or are we all just projecting?

Charlize Theron looked incredible with this haircut and dress… but there are few women who would dare wear this to a wedding.

Zoe Saldana, hiding some shades of grey

Kristen Stewart was on crutches for the night, so maybe that — and not the dress — is why she looks so grumpy

Octavia Spencer, showing the young ladies how it’s done

So Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was actually pink in the front and white in the back. Of all of these, this looks the most bridal — and also, as we saw, the most dangerous

If brides wore purple, a dress like Amanda Seyfried’s wouldn’t be a bad idea

Amy Adams looks ready to fly away… not an image you want to create while on your way to the altar

Sorry, Jessica Chastain, but this might cause the groom to have second thoughts. Let’s stick with the Oscar dress

Good lord. Is that Kim Kardashian, dressed like a normal human? And looking lovely in white?

Trying to hate Miley’s new haircut. It’s not working, at least not in this photo

Kelly Osbourne seems to be going right for the ’90s-themed wedding with this one

So we’ve got a bunch of ladies in white. Anyone mistaking them for brides yet? Didn’t think so.