Do You Wanna Dance?

Few rituals at a wedding reveal more of the character of the bride and groom than the dancing, especially that first dance.  They occupy the full range from the sublime to the ridiculous, and all points in between.  For some it’s almost more important than the ceremony, fussed over and hyper-rehearsed to the point that it has all the spontaneity of D-Day.  Others get it over with as fast as they can, making sure everyone else gets out there so they can hide in the crowd of gyrating bodies.  It’s often an occasion for comedy, intentional or not.  And some couples are perfectly happy with music playing, and if anyone wants to dance it’s fine with them.

And where did the idea of the “First Dance” originate?  It comes to us from centuries of tradition in formal dances from many cultures, the common thread being that the guests of honor at any big affair start the dancing.  The French had their minuet, the Brits their quadrille, and the Russians their polonaise.  The tradition at weddings was for the couple to share a first waltz, but now that’s about as popular as inviting the guests along to see the marriage consummated. (Yes, they used to do that.  Imagine it in the youtube era.)  So it was a short hop, skip, and foxtrot to the present day when the dance is more an opportunity to show off the results of those expensive lessons you took, or to have the DJ play the most romantic song you can think of as you glide around the room to the teary ooohs and aaahs of family and friends.  But there’s nothing that says you have to do any of this, and I’ve seen receptions with no ceremonial first dance or any dancing at all.

I’ve been to hundreds of wedding receptions and witnessed a wide variety of musical hits and misses.  They generally fall into one of these categories:

• The Romantics.  They hold each other close and sway to something like At Last by Etta James or Have I Told You Lately That I Love You (Van Morrison, NOT Rod Stewart.  The first person who told him he could sing must have loved the sound of cats in heat on the back fence.)
• The Professionals.  These guys are just flat out great dancers.  They’re so good they don’t break a sweat (see video below).  Dancing is clearly a big part of their lives, and it shows.  They can dance to anything, but jitterbug standards like In The Mood suit their style just fine.
• The DWTS Wannabes.  These dances are painful to watch.  They’ve taken lessons, and rehearsed endlessly in their living room.  But some people can dance, and others shouldn’t try.  You see them counting out the beats between clenched teeth and glaring icily at each other when they screw up, and you wonder if the marriage can survive the opening number.  They can’t dance to anything, but they always pick something with complex rhythms so they look extra awkward.
• The Quickies.  They take to the floor, start to sway, and the DJ almost immediately invites everyone else out onto the floor.  They generally pick an old hit like Rock ‘n Roll Music by the Beatles to appeal to the widest possible demographic.
• The Surprise Dancers.  This has become really popular.  The couple starts out like The Romantics (see above) and then feign shock as the music shifts to something decidedly different (Thriller is a top choice) so they can go into their heavily rehearsed routine.  Even though no one is surprised any more, everyone loves it.
• The Flightless Birds.  Some novelty dances never seem to go away although some, thank God, do become extinct.  (Hear much Electric Slide or Cotton-Eyed Joe lately?  Me neither.)  What I’m seeing more of is the Penguin Dance, and the Chicken Dance just never gets old.
• The Wild Bunch.  These party animals want to pull out the stops right away and never look back.  Why wait until later in the evening for You Shook Me All Night Long or Don’t Stop Believing?  Just turn that amp up to 11 and rock on.

As always, do whatever suits your style and don’t let anyone else (especially your DJ) tell you what kind of music you should play, or that there has to be dancing at all.  It’s your party, and if you want to do the Macarena, go for it.  Who knows?  It might just make a comeback thanks to you.

What did you play at your wedding?  A hit or a miss?

 

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Everything To Excess

Is that veil long enough?

We’ve written plenty in this blog about reducing wedding related stress, and one of the most wrenching decisions for any couple can be: how much is it going to cost?  How much can we afford to shell out?  Do we want to put ourselves in hock for the next five years just to throw a party?  And these are big decisions.  The WIC (wedding-industrial complex) spends a great deal of its time (and money) to convince you to spend a lot of yours in the relentless pursuit of perfection, giving you a full accounting of all of this season’s Must Have’s and Must Do’s.  It’s enough to make you want to elope.

But thanks to our friends at Forbes, we can put everything in perspective and count our lucky stars we don’t have the problems the billionaires lose sleep over.  Think about it for a minute.  What if you could do literally anything you wanted, spending without limits?  When would enough be enough, and would there ever be too much?  If you could drop $100,000 on your dress like the one worn by Melania Knauss (the third Mrs. Trump) instead of straining to come up with $5,000 for yours, would you?  Or pity Petra Ecclestone, the daughter of billionaire Bernie Ecclestone, who spent $3 million on musical entertainment that included Andrea Bocelli and the Black Eyed Peas.  Would the Dropkick Murphys have given her more bang for her bucks?  She also had five thousand white roses for decoration, which may have been why The Donald made sure there were ten thousand flowers at his wedding.  If there was a six-foot cake (wonder how much of it was real) at his second wedding, would a ten-footer be adequate at the third?  And the guest list?  Three thousand of your closest friends including A-list celebs, with secret locations, security staff, paparazzi, and closed air space.  Be thankful you have limits.

But the top one hundredth of one percent shouldn’t have all the fun and leave us to choose which thrift shop dress or high school friend DJ we want at our weddings.  No sir, we can spend foolishly too, just not on the scale of the filthy rich.  Here are a few predicted wedding trends from New England Bridal Affair:

• Fun Factor – Snow cone machines, old fashioned popcorn carts, bocce ball – these things do not exactly come to mind when you think wedding. That just might change in 2013 (or not).
• Return to Elegance –  DIY, shabby chic, and rustic themes have dominated the wedding scene for the past two years, but as wedding divas like David Tutera flood the mainstream media airways, brides are exposed to more elaborate and glamorous table settings changing their idea of their dream wedding. There are ways to create an elegant wedding without spending six figures (nice to hear six figures isn’t de rigeur).
• Unusual Venues – This year, we predict warehouse and other non-traditional venues will be a popular choice among brides and event planners. Using pipe and drape, lounge furniture, and lighting, any venue can be transformed into the bride’s dream (or nightmare?).
• Glamping – Think grown up summer camp. Ultra luxe safari-style wedding tents with liners, heaters/AC, lighting, and greenery are highly popular right now with celebrities and brides. Think camping meets glamorous (velour pup tents?).

So be prepared to drop not quite six figures on snow cone machines set in a glamorous luxury safari tent inside a warehouse.  There you have it.  Very 2013.

I’m dedicated to speaking to (and sometimes for) those of us who live on this planet.  My advice?  Take a deep breath, ignore as much of the nonsense as you can, and imagine a wedding that reflects the two of you, not what the glitterati and trend-setters say it should be.  If your style is a beach barbeque and a cake fight, you’ll have a much better time than those billionaires who are worried about whether a sixteen foot veil is long enough (Trump’s third wedding).

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Not Those Bridesmaids! Yours.

Seriously now, would you really want any of these characters in your wedding?

The selection of your bridesmaids can be without a doubt one of the most nerve-wracking decisions you’ll make when you plan your wedding.  How many is too many?  Can you really leave one former roommate out when the other one is a lock?  And what relatives will have their noses miles out of joint if they don’t get the call (especially if they hail from the groom’s side)?  I know from personal experience (my own wedding) the bruised feelings left over from the Bridesmaid’s Draft can last several seasons.  I sympathize, and (for the first time) don’t claim to have all the answers.  These are gut level decisions about who stays on the BFF roster and who is relegated to “just good friend” status.  As I always recommend, go with what works for you and hope people understand.  The wedding is still about you, and when you’re exchanging vows you should be surrounded by those you love the most.  (SOOOO easy for me to say as a member of the other gender.)

But I can offer some wisdom about how to treat those ladies after you’ve picked the team.  The point is: they ARE the people closest to you on your big day, both physically and emotionally, so don’t torture them!  The goal is for them to look gorgeous as they walk down the aisle and stand with you, basking in your reflected glory.  And in order to look the way they appear in the bride magazines, they have the same dress draped on their perfectly matched figures.  But wait!  That’s the wedding industrial complex speaking, not the voice of reason.

So your NCAA point guard sister is supposed to wear the same dress as your best friend the ballerina? Let us know how that one goes. Yes, that strapless dress (you know the one. It’s the one every bridesmaid has to wear – the one that looks like she got caught in her towel on the way to the shower) looks great in the photo – where some size 2 model is standing still. Once your real-life bridesmaids start moving around, or breathing, or having any kind of discernible bone structure, that dress will not look the same. It gaps in the front, it slips down in the back, and worst of all, it will wreak havoc on your pictures. In nearly every shot, it’s guaranteed that at least one of your lovely bridesmaids will be frowning down her cleavage, elbows chicken-winged out to the sides while she yanks up the seams of that pretty, pretty dress in an effort not to be the wardrobe malfunction that ruins your wedding.

These ladies are your friends, so don’t put that kind of pressure on them. Just let them be excited for you, drink a few too many glasses of champagne and make out with one of the groomsmen. And for the love of chiffon, give them the sartorial freedom to do it.  I’ve seen some very mellow wedding parties where the bridesmaids were given a color and a choice of a few styles, and then picked out their own dresses.  That way Jessica Simpson doesn’t have to try to look like Anne Hathaway, and vice versa.  The dresses fit, they look fabulous, and all your besties have the time of their lives.  And you can have a secret selfish motive, because when you get invited to be in one of their weddings, she’ll remember how well this worked at yours.  Even if she does look like Melissa McCarthy.

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There’s a first time for everything. It’s not today.

If you don’t normally tan, please, please don’t start doing it two weeks before your wedding. Odds are this is going to blow up in your face. Or, more accurately, on every bit of visible skin. You will be like that girl at prom who just didn’t want to look pale — and ended up ferociously clashing with every inch of her dress. Maybe you were that girl, and if so, we sincerely hope you’ve learned your lesson. Trust me, it’s much easier to adjust lighting to make you look less washed-out than to color-correct your burnt-lobster orange arms after the fact.

Even if you’re not the tanning type (and hey, we sympathize. Those booths are perfect torture chambers for claustrophobes), these words of wisdom still apply to you. Now is not the best moment to attempt walking in five-inch stilettos for the first time or to see how coral lipstick looks on you, just for funsies. The potential for appearance disaster aside, you want to be comfortable when you glide (not stumble) out onto the floor for your first dance. You don’t want to devote time to fretting about whether you really do look better as a brunette, or if your stylist was just blinded by the light reflecting off of your engagement ring.

A Surprise?  Or A Shock?  There’s A Difference.

Here’s the thing: you know what works for you, and you’re obviously good enough at what you do to have someone in love with you – so please, don’t mess with the formula. You’ve got the rest of your life to confuse – I mean, surprise! — your spouse with new haircuts. How about saving the age of experimentation for after (or during…) the honeymoon?

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Breakfast — And a Wedding — at Tiffany’s

So we’ve talked about fantasy sports weddings and those based on, shall we say, less-than-realistic teen novels, but what about another kind of fantasy: movies?

Why stop at the reception? Just take the whole wedding to the storefront!

Hollywood wants us to think that movies are the ultimate fantasy, and in many ways they are — they’re escapist fare that lets us imagine ourselves as a superhero, a romantic lead, an unappreciated artistic genius …. or a maybe-call girl with a great hairdo and the best breakfast spot in New York. Yes, I’m talking about everyone’s favorite Givenchy-clad socialite: Holly Golightly.

With the play opening in New York next week, there’s sure to be a resurgence of popularity of the movie, and more specifically, the character (although can something reappear if it never really vanishes?).

It seems like many young women these days go through their Holly-idolizing stage — my daughter certainly has had her moments of wishing it was still fashionable to stroll around in a black evening gown and an absurd amount of pearls, and I know she’s not the only one. As far as wedding or bachelorette themes go, you could do far worse than this cute movie — although for your sake, I hope your groom has a bit more personality than human cardboard cutout George Peppard did (and that none of your guests feel inspired to speak in outrageously offensive stereotypical accents).

There may not be any sparkling things inside, but these still look delicious.

People have found all kinds of ways to pay homage to our favorite cat non-namer, from an understated Tiffany-blue-and-pearls-themed bridal shower to a mandatory cocktail dress and pearls dress code for a bachelorette party to a DIY party for — who else? — a bride-to-be named Tiffany. Apparently you can even find a way to make bacon-topped cupcakes fit the theme. Or you could just let this Pinterest account take care of the whole thing for you.

There’s some appeal to styling your special day after such a beloved fictional character — after all, nobody can tell you you’re doing it wrong, and everyone will probably be too charmed by the idea anyway to consider doing so. On the other hand, it’s pretty hard to compete with Audrey Hepburn’s perfect precedent of the character. As I’m sure the current Holly, Emilia Clarke (or, as most of us know her, dragon queen Daenerys Targaryen) has discovered, it’s impossible to think about Breakfast at Tiffany’s without immediately picturing Audrey. So, you tiny Belgian former ballerinas out there, you’re in luck. The rest of us will just have to do with practicing our personal renditions of “Moon River.”

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A Very Oscar Wedding? Or Just a White Dress?

It’s interesting to me that we associate white dresses so directly with weddings that it’s near-impossible for any woman who’s already hit puberty to wear a white dress without some comment about how it looks “bridal.” We don’t say that a young woman wearing a green sundress looks like a Christmas tree, or anyone wearing blue is clearly a police officer. And yet, whenever a famous lady shows up at one of the gazillion awards shows wearing something longish and white, everyone’s off about how it looks too much like she’s trying to send a message (although, Amy Poehler? Anytime you’re ready to get back on the market, I’m here).

Here’s the thing, though — just because something is seen as true now, it doesn’t mean it was always true. This applies to everything from smoking being an acceptable weight-loss strategy to “marriage is between one man and one woman” (yeah, I went there, history revisionists). In fact, brides in western culture didn’t start wearing white in a serious way until the late 19th century, when fashion icon Queen Victoria popularized it. Back in the day, wealthy brides wore their fanciest, most colorful clothes to show off — in any color they chose. Black was even popular in some parts of northern Europe before the Victorian era. They must’ve had a hard time keeping their funerals and weddings separate — unless maybe they wore white for funerals? [insert corny outdated joke about weddings being like a funeral for your single self here]

And this is still primarily a Western thing — many brides from eastern countries like China, India and Pakistan wear red at weddings instead, because it’s the color of good luck. I think it’s a much nicer sentiment to have one’s choice of clothing on a wedding day invoke positive thoughts about luck and happiness, rather than dubious states of virginity (or the lack thereof), but that’s just me.

She certainly doesn’t look like she’s about to burst into flames. Into tears, maybe, but that’s a different issue entirely.

In any case, the point is that it seems more than a little lazy to me when people orbiting the strange star at the center of the fashion world resort to describing every single white dress they see as “bridal.” Just because a dress is white does not make it bridal, the same way an all-orange outfit doesn’t automatically make the wearer a convicted criminal.

Which brings us back to the Oscars, which was really the whole idea behind this thing. I don’t intentionally watch all of that red carpet pre-show nonsense, but when it’s on in the house, it’s hard to ignore all the loud noises and name-dropping. I was struck by the fact that every time an actress appeared in something even close to a white shade (maybe it’s eggshell? Taupe? I can’t tell — my eyes are going as it is), the desk of self-appointed jurors felt the need to comment on its levels of marital hinting. And yet, despite the fact that every single man attending the Oscars shows up like he’s on his way to the altar, not once did I hear anyone mention potential marriage plans. Seems a bit imbalanced, if you ask me.

But let’s ask you! What did you think about the light-hued Oscar dresses? Anyone look like she should switch with Julia Roberts circa Runaway Bride? Here are a few snaps to refresh your memories — do any of them really look like she’s missing a veil, or are we all just projecting?

Charlize Theron looked incredible with this haircut and dress… but there are few women who would dare wear this to a wedding.

Zoe Saldana, hiding some shades of grey

Kristen Stewart was on crutches for the night, so maybe that — and not the dress — is why she looks so grumpy

Octavia Spencer, showing the young ladies how it’s done

So Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was actually pink in the front and white in the back. Of all of these, this looks the most bridal — and also, as we saw, the most dangerous

If brides wore purple, a dress like Amanda Seyfried’s wouldn’t be a bad idea

Amy Adams looks ready to fly away… not an image you want to create while on your way to the altar

Sorry, Jessica Chastain, but this might cause the groom to have second thoughts. Let’s stick with the Oscar dress

Good lord. Is that Kim Kardashian, dressed like a normal human? And looking lovely in white?

Trying to hate Miley’s new haircut. It’s not working, at least not in this photo

Kelly Osbourne seems to be going right for the ’90s-themed wedding with this one

So we’ve got a bunch of ladies in white. Anyone mistaking them for brides yet? Didn’t think so.

Teen Novel Weddings

Bella

Teen Novel Weddings:  They’re Not Just For Teens Anymore.

You’re a big time Twilight nerd if you chose an outdoor destination wedding in a Washington forest just because that’s what Bella and Edward did, and to no one’s surprise your teacup poodle (also named Bella, of course) will carry your ring down the aisle. Maybe you’ve already decided your future sons will be Jacob and Edward?  That’s for the two of you to ponder.

But there’s one other aspect to the teen novel theme you might want to consider.  What seemed cool at your wedding could be pretty comical years later when you’re looking at the pictures.  One of my favorite customs at weddings is the display of the parents’ and grandparents’ wedding photos on the gift table where the guests sign in.  Each picture is a quick little trip in the Way-Back Machine, taking us to another time and place.  Maybe a time when big hair, a tie-dyed wedding gown, a tangerine leisure suit with white trim, and a porn-star mustache was THE ultimate look?  Or even farther back when couples posed against blank walls for photos taken with deer-in-the-headlights flash that matched the terrified look in their eyes?  (All that’s missing from those are the inmate numbers below their faces.)  The truth is that everyone, including the people in those pictures, finds them both touching and hilarious, and they succeed in their primary purpose: to bring back happy memories.  So even if you freeze yourself in time as a hesitant vampire bride or a bow-and-arrow-toting huntress, why not?  It won’t be any worse than your mom’s Indian print headband or your dad’s madras jacket.

I admit I’m a little late on the bandwagon (too old for the “Twilight” thing; my favorite vampire is still Bela – not Bella – Lugosi) but I did notice an increase in lace-back wedding dresses and Bella inspired up-dos after the movies went to blockbuster status.  I just hope people aren’t taking these themes too literally (like zombie weddings) by introducing cannibalism with some signature drink that looks a bit too much like blood for the unitiated.  There is supposed to be a line separating fantasy and reality (isn’t there?) and you need to decide whether you want to erase it at your wedding.

In some earlier posts I wrote about embracing your bride-ness and being queen for a day by doing whatever you want to do, the opinions of other be damned. Theme obsessed brides are really good at this. They can immerse themselves in their favorite works of fiction and live that fantasy on their most important day.  As always, if it’s what you like, go for it.  Because even Jennifer Lawrence only gets to play Katniss, not be her in real life.

Katniss Bride

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Basic White: It Goes With Everything

Trash it. Strut it. Frame it.

There are endless possibilities.

Some brides just can’t let go of their bridal beauty. And that’s okay; they shouldn’t. I’ve mentioned before how if I could somehow be a bride (parallel universe?), I’d wear my dress everywhere. People would gawk at my bridal beauty as I ate burritos or walked my dog.

Storing your dress is just lame. It’ll sit in a box.. and stay in a box. Why pay all that money for something so beautiful just to lock it up. I’ve noticed on Pinterest that brides are starting to frame their dresses. Genius! What better way to get more mileage out of your designer gown than to hang it behind plexiglass in your entry hall?

By the way, what are brides preserving their wedding dress for? Do you really think your daughter or future daughter-in-law is going to want it? Did you want your mom’s? (A brief aside: one of my wife’s family legends was the time when her mother and aunt as little girls went into the attic and cut up their own mother’s wedding gown just for fun.  Sent to their rooms without dinner was just the beginning.)

You ladies who’ve had your dresses in storage for years, go unpack that gown, put it on, and strut down the street. Prepare for plenty of well deserved attention (especially if you still fit into it)!  Traffic will stop for you, total strangers will wish you health and happiness for the rest of your life, and who couldn’t use a shot of that once in a while?  So don’t wear it just once.  You never know when two little girls with scissors might be making a big pile of pretty ribbons in the attic.

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Mardi Gras!

Wave your napkins and catch those beads.  It’s Mardi Gras!

You’ve just witnessed the Second Line, a parade that finds its roots in African American jazz funerals and is now a tradition in French Quarter weddings. The line signifies the beginning of life between the bride and groom, and it’s definitely one of the coolest parts of a New Orleans wedding. The band leads the wedding party from the church to their reception down crowded Quarter streets like Bourbon or Canal. The bride and groom are given parasols and the guests drink, dance, drink, wear masks, drink, and flail cocktail napkins. And drink. One New Orleans bride noted that walking down those streets is a perfect way to trash the dress. The bottom of her gown turned black and smelled like hurricanes (the drink, much better than the real thing, but no less effective in ruining formal attire).

Mini Muffulettas

Weddings in the French Quarter are lively any time of year, but especially outrageous around Mardi Gras. Purple, green, gold, glitter: these are the “colors” of Mardi Gras (no plum-and-sage combinations need apply). You can expect the reception to be a party of epic proportions, with no end in sight. It’s my assumption that the failure to provide an open bar is a felony within the city limits. The food will be New Orleans’ finest: catfish bites, deep fried gator, and mini muffulettas from Central Grocery.

A traditional New Orleans wedding cake always involves ribbon pulling. Charms are attached to ribbons embedded in the icing, and bridesmaids and female guests grab a ribbon, simultaneously pull, and find their fate depicted by the charms:

• A Ring: You’re next to marry
• A Heart: You’ll find true love
• A Button: You’re the old maid
• The Horseshoe: Good luck
• Fleur-de-lis: Love will bloom
• The Anchor: Hope
• A Dime: Wealth
• A Penny: Poverty

New Orleans is just one big party most of the time anyway, so wedding receptions merely add to the volume. The city’s architecture looks gorgeous in all the pictures and the balconies are a photographer’s dream.  This is one place where wedding crashers are part of the atmosphere, and by the time you get through a couple of “hurricanes” you won’t remember which people you invited anyway.  Let those good times roll!

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Fantasy Sports Wedding

Fantasy Isn’t Just For Football.

Now that the Big Game is history, it’s time to turn our attention back to the second most popular contact sport in America: wedding planning.  Just kidding, but occasionally the stress can feel like a blindside hit from Ray Lewis.  So relax, and think about throwing an All-American wedding using your favorite sport as your theme.

It all begins with a proposal on a football field, with a couple in jerseys and tennis shoes. If you’re at a major stadium, you can even arrange to have that special moment displayed on the Jumbotron for all sixty thousand of your new best friends to see.  (I’ve always wondered what happens if the prospective bride says no.  Fifteen yard penalty?)  Then the planning starts. Are you going to schedule the wedding for a game day? Not unless you don’t mind having most of the guests hanging out in the bar, glued to the TV.  I once photographed a wedding reception that was just about completely ruined because the couple’s beloved baseball team was getting slaughtered by their archrival in a playoff game being televised in the bar.  Lots of photos of people literally crying in their beer (Bud Light, just for the occasion).   In the happy ending department, the wedding took place anyway and the local nine went on to win the series.  Dreams really do come true.

Your ceremony can begin with the national anthem, and there should be a field nearby so your photographer can take pictures of your wedding party playing football.  I’ve seen it done more than once, but you have to make sure you have enough attendants to make a game of it.  I did a wedding where the bride and groom each had nine, and when I joked that they had enough for a baseball game, they said that’s exactly why they did it.

And if you want to go the whole nine yards (sorry), you’ll need football inspired wedding attire. The officiant should be wearing black and white stripes, the bride’s shoes could be sequined cleats and the garter can sport your team’s logo.  The groom will be wearing his lucky game-day socks, the same pair he wears every Sunday afternoon in the fall.

What better way to enter your reception than with a bride and groom touchdown dance? When you hit the dance floor, the DJ will rock classic fight songs. 

There should be plenty of bad beer, since that’s a tradition in most stadiums.  And you can cover everything else in Velveeta: the nachos, the burgers, the pigs in a blanket. (Should save a bundle on the catering bill, and there’s nothing like chowing down with your buddies over a few brewskis.)

But there is one big difference.  As a famous NFL running back said when asked about the Super Bowl, “If this is the ultimate game, how come there’s another one next year?”  For you, there really is no next season, so dance with who brung ya!

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