The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

With all the planning you’re expected to do for a wedding these days, it’s a wonder anyone actually manages to get married at all. Granted, there are some reasons why the whole process can take forever (your heart is set on the one ideal venue, you’re waiting for that big promotion, your mother is finishing her second year of Peace Corps service) and a few reasons why maybe it should (exactly how well do you know that other person, anyway?). But logistical difficulties and extensive background checks aside, it just seems like there are so many things that need to get done before that knot can even think about getting tied. It’s surprising nowadays to find any couple that goes from engaged to married in under a year — most, it seems, are closer to two.

Of course, this is exactly what the behemoth that is the wedding industry wants you to think. Like being in a shopping mall, the longer you hang around, the more money you’re likely to spend. Sure, simple flowers are nice, but after thinking about it, why not spring for the elaborate centerpieces? Don’t you think this veil would look nicer with a sparkly headband? What if we do favors like the ones at Cousin Leslie’s wedding instead? I’m pretty sure there’s a direct correlation between the length of an engagement and the amount of money the couple ends up spending, and I’m definitely sure that all those smiling vendors are aware of this, too. (Certainly, there are exceptions to this — long engagements because of illness, travel, military deployment and any and all other sorts of complications. But we’re talking about your average, garden-variety process here)

I guess maybe some people have the opposite problem…

Again, I think there are some very legitimate factors that can merit a long engagement. Maybe your families are spread out all across the globe and uniting them is a headache you just keep putting off. Maybe you — or someone’s family — was uncomfortable with the idea of you living together as a couple before you were engaged, and you want to test-run the whole thing for a while to make sure you can cohabitate without someone getting murdered over dirty dishes. Maybe you really do need to have that venue and it isn’t available until 2017. Maybe you have your own, very excellent, reason why there’s just no rush to the aisle (the tax benefits aren’t that great, after all).

But it is worth thinking about why the wait happens. Is it to test the waters, because the whole idea of planning stresses you out too much to even get started, or just to get all your proverbial ducks in order? Do you really need two whole years to plan a party, or are you listening a bit too much to the wedding planners and magazines who conveniently happen to profit from this kind of thing? Is someone nervous about even committing to the idea of the commitment (warning: this may be something to sort out before opening a joint bank account)? Or does it come from the school of, “if you’re going to do something, do it right?”

Or is it all just a number, in the end?

[Warning: Extra-long engagements may result in uncontrollable Sesame Street character voices.]

Oversharing: Not So Romantic

I read a blog post the other day talking about the increase in pressure a lot of couples feel to have the BEST PROPOSAL EVER that will go viral and be seen by 80 million people and get them a book deal, six seasons and a movie or whatever kinds of goals the kids have these days. The writer makes a good point about the fact that a proposal is, ultimately, a serious decision being made between two people that has potentially lifelong repercussions. In that moment, should you really be thinking more about whether the flash mob’s dance moves are perfectly coordinated? This, incidentally, is why I’ve always been slightly horrified by stadium proposals shown on the Jumbotrons. There’s no choice, really — but what if the target of the proposal doesn’t want to say yes? The horror!

I think the concept of publicizing moments that maybe shouldn’t be — well, quite so public, applies to a lot of the nonsense surrounding weddings. Since the first day humans lived close enough to each other to call someone a neighbor, we’ve been judging what other people do and using it to shape our own decisions. This is never truer than with weddings, where sometimes it seems like everyone else is taking notes (there’s even a TV show for that!). But aside from the aunts all comparing thoughts about the flower arrangements, there’s a lot of this that can be self-imposed. Instagramming all of your invitation options, posting an album just of different colored roses, retweeting everything your wedding planner tweets — these are just invitations (hah) for people to offer their own thoughts and opinions.

Sometimes we don’t want to know.

There are definitely details that require input from other people — bridesmaids dresses, for example. Only a truly terrible friend would inflict dresses on her bridesmaids without at least some kind of consultation (although believe me, those terrible friends exist. I’ve seen proof). Food, obviously, is something that necessitates asking around — you can’t have only meat and chicken options for your cousin’s vegan boyfriend! Some things are just basic human decency (which, again, often goes out the window when it comes to weddings), and those are certainly questions that should be shared with the general public. Share your invitations, too. Helps with attendance.

But it’s probably not necessary to spend ten minutes deciding on the Instagram filter that best shows off your engagement ring — especially when you almost certainly have something else you’re supposed to be doing. It’s understandable, when planning a wedding, that you’re going to look for other opinions to validate your decisions — that’s why so many wedding blogs exist, after all! But sometimes surprises are nice, and maybe your guests would rather just show up and see what the tables look like, instead of receiving constant updates for the two weeks leading up to the event. Maybe it’s better to appear in the dress as if it looked perfect all along, rather than keeping everyone posted on every minute change in the six-month fitting and alteration process. You’re an adult — you can probably choose a nail polish color by yourself, without involving the Twittersphere. Or anyone that isn’t in the room with you.

It’s difficult for some people.

Of course, to each her own. For some people, it’s really exciting to share everything that’s happening leading up to this wonderful event. That’s great for them, and those of us who may not want to listen can simply choose to tune out. But there’s something to be said for valuing a bit of privacy. Most of the surprises in the world these days seem to be bad ones. Keep some information to yourself, and make your wedding a place that’s full of good surprises instead. And hopefully minimal flash mobs.

[Okay, you’re allowed to do this one, but only if all of your friends are professional dancers]

But this is just my opinion. Do you think there’s some value to keeping people informed through the planning process? Were you the victim of a compulsive oversharing friend? Exactly how many Instagram photos of roses are appropriate in a given week? What do you think?

My Pinterest and Facebook think filters are overrated.

I Love You. You’re Perfect. Now Change?

Those highlights are a bit much, don’t you think?

Even though I’ve never done it myself (that hasn’t prevented me from offering my opinions before, so why stop now?), I’ve seen the transformation from “woman” to “bride” so many times that I think I can come up with some general advice for those about to go through the process.  With the possible exception of prom night, never does a female human being put up with so much self-inflicted scrutiny of her appearance than in those months, sometimes longer, leading up to her wedding day.  Every aspect of her outward being is put through a series of tests so rigorous that Aphrodite herself would be found wanting in just about every way imaginable.  Too short?  Too tall?  Too heavy?  Too thin (yes, it is possible)?  Hair too dark?  Too light?  Too curly?  Too straight?  What if we just change the hairstyle and go from blond to brunette and wear heels all the time and join the gym and cut out ice cream and lose fifteen pounds?  You might even spend more time with your reflection in the mirror than you do with your spouse to be.

So let’s take a deep breath, turn away from that reflection, and think about this for a minute.  Why are you here in the first place?  I’ll tell you.  It’s because someone fell in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you.  JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.  Your partner didn’t fall in love with some rail-thin model draped in a size zero gown, perfectly coiffed and made up and looking seductively out from the cover of a bride magazine.  No, they fell in love with YOU.  And the person at the other end of that aisle likes your hair and your face because they reflect the person within who has captured his or her heart.  So why in the name of Joan Rivers would you want to transform yourself into another life form?

Again, I’ll tell you.  Because the wedding/industrial complex wants you to.  They want to sell you the full fantasy so you’ll buy lots of expensive products to enable you to look like the model on that magazine cover that your future husband couldn’t care less about.  Now I’m not for a minute saying a bride shouldn’t want to look beautiful on her wedding day, and I’m not so blind as to say all beauty comes from within.  But you don’t want that first look your groom has of you in your wedding gown to be one of confusion.  The fantasy TV shows that offer the winner a complete transformation are just that: fantasy.  In the Jewish tradition the groom lifts the bride’s veil to confirm he’s marrying the right woman, and you don’t want him to have to look hard to make sure.

The sad truth is that I’ve seen quite a few brides work so hard to be glamorous on their wedding day that they lose what was attractive about them in the first place.   Most makeup artists are talented and sensitive people, but some seem to feel they’re getting paid by the pound of product they layer onto the bride.  What makes me cringe is that they always say, “This will look great in the pictures!”  Trust me.  If it looks good in real life, it will look good in the pictures.  And if you look like someone whose makeup was applied with a trowel, it will look like that in the photos too.  I’ve photographed hundreds of brides, and in almost all cases, less was more in the makeup department.  And do you want to risk a radical change to your hair (color, length, style) on this particular day?  If you want it, go for it, but remember he already likes your hair.  And it’s probably best not to buy your dress a size too small to provide incentive to lose weight.  If you succeed, you can always have the dress taken in.  It’s a lot harder to hold your breath for nine or ten hours.

So here’s the bottom line: you are already beautiful to the one person who matters most.  You’re not being held up to any other standard so don’t fall for all the hype and fantasy.  That process of transformation into a bride should make you feel wonderful about yourself, just the way you are.  So when you go back to that mirror, smile at what you see.

Happiness. The real deal.

My Pinterest and Facebook always look good!

Take Me Out To The Wedding!

Now batting…

It’s finally spring in our part of the country.   I know, I know, some of you alternate between spring and summer all year long, but for us the first sign of green growth and wild critters going after each other with mischief on their little minds makes us warm all over, even if it’s not sunny every day.  But the snow is gone, the short skirts are out of the closets, and the college students still have on the flip-flops they wore all winter anyway.  So what do young couples start to think about as they stroll through lush parks and alongside swollen rivers?  You guessed it.  Baseball!

Admittedly we live in a baseball crazed region, our cultural identity defined by unyielding (and many times foolish) loyalty to the local nine.  We even insist on hurling insults at a team from just south of here that has traditionally beaten the crap out of us for the last hundred years or so.  So it’s only natural that many couples want to combine their love of each other with their affection for our boys of summer.  There was a time a few years ago when the team was so uncharacteristically successful that no wedding reception ended without some genuflection to our unexpected championship team.  I’m serious.  Every wedding speech included some reference to the World Series, and anyone who dared to mention that team from just south of here was booed and mercilessly shouted down.  Wedding cakes were decorated with the team logo, or constructed to look like the beloved little ball park.  Wedding parties posed as if playing the national game on the lawn outside the reception hall.  My favorite was a couple who each had nine attendants in the wedding party.  During the formal photos (quite a challenge with twenty people) I joked that they had enough for a baseball game and they said, in unison, “That’s why we did it.”  My kind of people.

We’ve all seen televised proposals during a game with the groom-to-be on his knee in the bleachers, and the blushing (and sometimes reluctant) bride looking at him like he’s completely out of his mind.  There they are on the jumbo screen as thirty thousand of their closest new friends squirm in their seats, hoping she’ll say yes.  I’ve never seen her turn him down, but I know it must happen, and that’s got to put a bigger damper on the day than an A-Rod grand slam.  But if all goes well and she agrees, they can plan to have their wedding reception at the ballpark, an increasingly popular option.

And there’s a certain symmetry to all this.  Spring and baseball have always represented a new beginning, a fresh start, and deeply passionate hopes for the future.  What better metaphor is there for starting a new life together?  “Play Ball” and “I Do.”  A marriage made in heaven, if you ask me.  Tell us if it worked for you.

My Pinterest and Facebook always get a hit!

Who’s Next?

There are so many potential sources of stress and anxiety for an engaged couple, and as you would expect, not so many for their friends, relatives, and wedding party.  The job of most guests at a wedding is to show up and shut up (unless you’re one of the assigned speakers).  But there’s one side effect of weddings that really puts the egg on the grill.  I call this the Wedding Domino Effect, or Wedding Contagion, if you want a more apocalyptic image.  See if you fit into any of these categories:

• Are you the last single person in your group of close friends?
• Are you in a somewhat longstanding relationship (two weeks?  two months?  two years?) that might be characterized by others as “committed?”
• Are you the older sister (or brother) of the bride who is now hurtling past you in the race to fulfill your parents’ dreams of grandchildren and perpetuation of the family bloodline?

If any of these shoes (spike heels or not) fits, how many times can you hear, “You must be next!” before you run screaming in the other direction, out the door and into the night?  At your BFF’s wedding, does it seem as if everyone is looking at you all the time, silently (or not) nudging or shoving you in the direction of matrimony?

Do they look happy?

What is it about weddings that makes otherwise considerate and sensitive people (OK, I’m giving a LOT of benefit of the doubt here) pushy and nosy and desperate to assert their influence over what is likely the single most important decision of your life?  Plenty of people are this way by nature; they can’t help themselves.  Although it’s not logical (and often counter-productive) for parents and relatives to act this way, it might be understandable.  But what about the acquaintances who otherwise mind their own business?  At a wedding they take on the self-appointed matchmaker role, trying to propel you and an as yet unnamed other down the aisle.  That makes no sense whatsoever.  We all know half of marriages end in divorce (there’s only one other way they can end anyway), so why would anyone want to push you into something that’s so fraught with risk?

I don’t know if there is a gender divide in all of this, although the discomfort is more obvious in men.  All I know is that I see it all the time at weddings.  Those otherwise blissful single guys have to put up with unsolicited inquiries into their personal lives and long term plans.  And I can speak from experience.  I once fit into all three of the above cited categories, and the pressure just kept building as my friends found spouses, one by one.  One married woman friend cornered me at a wedding saying, “Marriage is great!  You ought to try it sometime!”  Excuse me?  Try it sometime?  Like bungee jumping, or frog’s legs?  You don’t just “try it sometime” (unless you’re Kim K or Britney).  For most of us it lasts a little longer than that.

So let’s get back to the advice section of this blog.  If you’re getting married, congratulations and best wishes for a wonderful life together.  And if you’re a married person attending the wedding, I hope your life is as happy as you envisioned.  But to all of you in those demographic segments, two words of wisdom: BACK OFF!  Leave your single friends and relatives alone about the whole wedding idea.  Take it from me, their stomachs are churning enough already just thinking about it.  Let them have a terrific time at your wedding, and deal with the nuptial question at their own pace.  That way you might just get invited if they do eventually get around to it.

Does anyone really want to catch this thing?

My Pinterest and Facebook are always welcome!

Phone Proposals: The Good, the Bad and the Cutler

First of all, let me just remind everyone that I am a wedding photographer. I’m there for the big day and usually nothing else, but I’m still aware that lots of events lead up to that day. Dating, texting, travel, job changes, pregnancy scares, breakups, “breaks,” coincidences that seem straight out of a rom-com — all kinds of things contribute to this exciting moment. But there’s one precedent that’s pretty much entirely a given: the proposal.

The happy couple

Again, proposals happen in every imaginable way and place: the classic down-on-one-knee, the ultimatum, the accidental conversation and agreement, the romantic weekend getaway — even on top of the Empire State Building. I’m not there for the proposal, of course, but I almost always hear about it. People like to tell these kinds of stories, and they’re all, always, just a little different.

But there might be such a thing as too different. I can tell you that, in all my years of lurking around wedding-related stories, never once have I heard of a text proposal — or an engagement ring being sent through the mail. So I was more than a bit stunned to hear about the engagement of famous blonde person Kristin Cavallari and perpetually disappointing Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who apparently agreed to get married while she was in the Chicago airport. That’s not necessarily the bad part, but mailing a ring halfway across the country rather than giving it in person? Call me old-fashioned, but that just seems in bad taste to me.

Now, Cavallari says she has no problem with how the whole thing went down, but let’s be honest — there’s going to have to be some kind of redemption for this whole thing. And it might just be the ceremony. But compensation weddings — you know, the kind where the whole thing is completely out of control expensive or over-the-top lavish to make up for some kind of earlier transgression or romantic failing (like, say, a text-message proposal) — can be awkward affairs. It’s so clear that the bridal party, or the parents, or whomever may be in charge, is trying so desperately to make a point about their financial status or total swoony unshakeable love that they need everyone else to see it All The Time. Plus, if it’s obvious you’re compensating for something, the rest of us are going to start to wonder what it is. At least with the Cavallari-Cutler nuptials, we already know what it is.

Kristin shows off the ring at last. I hope he at least had the decency to FedEx overnight it.

But really, folks. I know we live in a digital age and everything, but is it so hard to ask in person? The other person’s smile has to be worth something, right? I just find it hard to believe an Instagrammed photo would have the same effect. The text-message breakup , horrible as it is, already exists — let’s not make this any worse, no matter how badly we want to be reality TV stars or NFL quarterbacks. Celebrities aren’t always the best role models, you know.

But if you really need to use your phone as your romantic aid, have the decency to make a proposal as sweet and creative as this guy’s. I hope you’re taking notes, future Cutlers of America!